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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29374473">Between Petals and Papers</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilaclatte/pseuds/lilaclatte'>lilaclatte</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>IZONE (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Don't say I didn't warn you, F/F, HAPPY HEARTS DAY, Hanahaki Disease, Heed the Warning, Some Fluff, angst angst, cafe date, damn the flowers, heed the mf warning, im sorry annyeongz nation, proceed reading at your own caution</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 06:08:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>24,575</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29374473</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilaclatte/pseuds/lilaclatte</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"I will love them unconditionally and if loving equates to pain, I know that I'll be able to endure it. That is, if I love the person."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ahn Yujin/Jang Wonyoung</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>52</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Between Petals and Papers</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>forgive me for any mistakes here and there.</p><p>trigger warning // mentions of blood, fear of dying, depressing thoughts/depression, death</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Yujin was never fond of flowers.</p><p> </p><p>She used to understand the theory behind taking care of plants. Her mother used to tell her that “to make a plant grow, you have to make sure that it gets the right amount of sunlight, have adequate portion of water, and also have the right kind of soil. You have to be gentle, consistent, and kind to them. Saying nice things to plants would help them grow and negative things would make them faded. It’s like they have feelings too, just like humans. Once you help these little young plants survive and survive in this world can make them become beneficial to you too.”</p><p> </p><p>Her mother believes that plants give out something more than just oxygen which humans breathe, for example a fruit or vegetable which we eat gives out nutrients, and trees gives us shade and prevents soil erosion, and flowers provide some sweet aroma on its vicinity.</p><p> </p><p>Her mother made sure to let Yujin plant and grow them too, when she was still young. Yujin knows that it was for her own good to be able to know how to garden and have plants on her backyard someday, and she always admired how pretty their yard looks like as it was decorated by different sort of plants. She wanted to learn her mother’s ways and cultivate it as her own, if not, become a better gardener.</p><p> </p><p>However, things just didn’t work out for her because every single plant that Yujin tried to take care of, withered away.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin didn’t know if it was because she was young or if she was cursed or if she just didn’t have the green thumb unlike her mom, wherein her touch seems to be the saving grace in making these plants live even when they are already in their weakened state. Yujin wanted to be able to grow one too and that explains why she kept on trying to plant a seed, nurture it for days, only for her to end up disappointed as it didn’t live under her care.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin grew tired of trying and of seeing the same outcome every time. And eventually, her admiration for the plants turned into hate.</p><p> </p><p>She came to learn how to despise every seed, every shrub, every vine, and the plants that she loathed the most were flowers. Because even if they are pretty to look at, the way that it is grown is too demanding of attention, gentleness, and care, and Yujin disliked it.</p><p> </p><p>When she grew up, she forgotten the reason she liked them and came to a conclusion that she never understood why her mother would spend time taking care of them, and all that she really wanted was for her mother to pay attention to her instead. Yujin became jealous of the plants that receive her mother’s time, dividing her attention. She recalls talking to her father about it but he simply gave an excuse saying that it’s her mother’s leisure and that she’ll be able to understand it more when she gets older.</p><p> </p><p>Years had passed yet she still carries an ill feeling towards plants and flowers alike.</p><p> </p><p>She knows that a flower’s beauty is fleeting, temporary, <em>ephemeral</em> as others would say. Their bloom does not stay for a long time. Once you pick flowers away from the garden and not put it on a vase, the beauty which they hold will eventually fade and they will wither. All that would be left is its discolored petals on the ground and its lonely stem.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin believes that flowers are only good for the aesthetic value and nothing more.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>August 22, 20*0</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“What’s your favorite flower?”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin couldn’t hide the shock that she felt when her friend, Wonyoung, asked her that question. She finally finished middle school and recently transferred to a high school that will help her excel more on her chosen craft, thankfully (and due to her hard work) she passed the entrance examinations.</p><p> </p><p>She had the option to choose whether to move out and live on an apartment near the school or to commute for an hour back and forth their house every single day until she graduates from high school. Wanting to show that she’s capable of being independent, she chose the former. She has no problem with it anyway because she knows how to cook and has no problem with her time management. And if there’s something she would crave to eat, there’s always the convenience store nearby that is open 24/7.</p><p> </p><p>“Mine is cherry blossoms.” Yujin thought that Wonyoung must’ve sensed her hesitance to answer the harmless query, for the girl responded to her own question.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin saw how bright the girl’s smile was, as if reminiscing a distant memory that she have with the said flower. She didn’t want to bring down the rather good ambience that they have while they’re still on break, waiting for the bell to ring and for the teacher to arrive. “I don’t really have a favorite flower.” In the end she couldn’t bring herself to lie outright to Wonyoung’s face. There’s just something in the younger’s eyes that makes it hard for Yujin to even try to deceive Wonyoung.</p><p> </p><p>The smile on the younger’s face didn’t falter, a complete opposite of Yujin’s fallen one. “It’s fine. I didn’t have a favorite flower until I’ve seen them in person.”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin has little to none knowledge about the meaning of flowers, due to it being on her hate list, but she does know stuff about cherry blossoms because of spring. And she knows that cherry blossoms are the type of flower that gives justice to what she believes in, that a flower’s beauty is short-lived and it’s just for the beautification of the earth and nothing more.</p><p> </p><p>But Yujin doesn’t have the heart to tell it directly to someone who has a liking towards it. The least thing that she wants to do is to argue and lose her friend in this environment. “Tell me about it if you want, I’m all ears.”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin dropped down the pen that she was holding, stopping her yet another mindless doodling session on the back of her notebook, and looked directly in front of her, Wonyoung meeting her gaze. After all, listening is all she could offer best right now although if she was given another type of choice, she would choose not to hear about it.</p><p> </p><p>“I first saw them when we went to Japan when I was a kid. And I thought it only exists there. Imagine how shocked I was when I learned that we have cherry blossom here too.” Yujin can picture young Wonyoung getting excited with that. Yujin casually nodded, giving reassurance that it’s fine for the other to continue speaking. “Since then I have always looked forward for spring where they are at full bloom, even when it’s only transient.” Wonyoung said wearing her dreamy look.</p><p> </p><p>“I love it when it winds while I’m looking up at sakura trees.” Wonyoung muttered softly. “Because it’s like the wind would just blow and petals would fall from them and some of them would end up on the palm of my hand.” Wonyoung lifted her hand mid-air and opened it, as if imagining the soft petals slowly descending to land on her hand, like the petals are gravitating towards her hand. Yujin watched her close her palms and slowly her eyes closed too.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin didn’t bother interjecting her friend with her small monologue about her favorite flower. She believes that everyone is entitled to have their own set of likes and dislikes and she respects how her friend loves flowers while Yujin doesn’t, “Must’ve been a nice view and experience.”</p><p> </p><p>“It really is!” Wonyoung exclaimed, opening her eyes and meeting Yujin’s gaze. Silence engulfed them for a few seconds before Wonyoung blurted out, “You should come with me this spring.”</p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p>Wonyoung immediately leaned forward, her arm and elbow suddenly on top of Yujin’s desk, making it shake a little, “Come with me this spring.”</p><p> </p><p>“Where?”</p><p> </p><p>“To see the cherry blossoms, you dummy.” Wonyoung brightly said, her eyes were twinkling and her smile was radiant that Yujin couldn’t bring herself to turn down the offer straightforwardly.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re already making plans while it’s still summer right now.” Yujin frowned a little. If there were any sort of disappointment that Wonyoung could feel due to Yujin’s frown, it didn’t show a bit. Yujin simply doesn’t like spring that much. She prefers autumn and winter over spring and summer.</p><p> </p><p>“I know and at least we both have something to look forward to already in spring.” Wonyoung said, leaning back against her chair.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin doesn’t understand what goes on inside her friend’s mind and she doesn’t know why she’s considering and not rejecting the idea, because although she doesn’t really like spring, this will be the first spring that she will spend as a high school student and also, with her friend. “But---“</p><p> </p><p>Yujin barely spoke what she wanted to say as the bell rang and students were scurrying to go back to their respective seats. Wonyoung stood up and fixed her chair to face the front again.</p><p> </p><p>“No buts Yujinnie. I assure you it’ll be fun and as my friend, you’re coming with me.” Wonyoung winked as she turned her head towards the direction of the blackboard in front, leaving Yujin to look at her friend’s back view. Shortly after, the teacher arrived and started on with their lesson.</p><p> </p><p>She suddenly remembered the time she had gotten the school’s envelop saying that she’s accepted and how she was shocked, along with her parents, when she learned that she earned and secured a spot in the first section of their year despite doubting her own intellectual capabilities. And on the first day of school, she unknowingly sat behind someone who eventually became the class representative.</p><p> </p><p>There were a lot of transferees and needless to say, she was overwhelmed. The environment was light and friendly at first but then it shifts to become intense and competitive whenever needed, leaving Yujin no choice but to adapt quickly to the demands and system of the class.., just for her not to get left behind. And thankfully, there’s one person who seemed to understand her pain and helped her adjust; no other than Jang Wonyoung, the class representative.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin was aware that it was just an act of kindness from the representative, nothing more but it was proven wrong for the younger was comfortable with her and reassured her that they are friends. For friends hang out with each other after school, tease each other, share stories to each other, and simply be there for one another.</p><p> </p><p>Just like what they do.</p><p> </p><p>Even though Yujin isn’t really that expressive, she’s thankful for their formed friendship. And maybe, just maybe, she will go with Wonyoung this coming spring, but for now, she needs to listen and pass this subject first.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>October 29, 20*0</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“Why are we here again?”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin couldn’t help but whine for Wonyoung dropped by her apartment this morning just to drag her lethargic body out. They didn’t even make any plans yesterday before going home from school and they usually make sure that it is fine with the other before hanging out. But here is Wonyoung, who simply knocked at Yujin’s apartment door this morning, making Yujin have no other choice but to go out with her.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin thinks that it is better instead of her staying inside the confinement of her apartment walls the whole day, and also, she wanted to have some company today too.</p><p> </p><p>“Shh. You have to be quiet.” Wonyoung whispered. “You’ll blow our cover if you’re loud enough.” Yujin doesn’t know if Wonyoung wearing a black cap, black long sleeve shirt, specs, and denim jeans is enough as a cover, but needless to say, it fits her.</p><p> </p><p>Meanwhile, all that Yujin was able to manage to prepare (based on the limited amount of time that Wonyoung had given her) was just a shirt topped with a grey hoodie and jeans. And also she has no idea if Wonyoung is already feeling cold, considering that it’s autumn.</p><p> </p><p>“Why should we even whisper?” Yujin looked around the packed cafe, where everyone is minding their respective businesses. The café has a wooden interior and a warm color motif, making it ideal for meeting old friends and even for doing their work. And she’s reminded that they’ve already been inside the café for quite some time now taking some rest after all that walking around in the morning and all that they’ve ordered are two hot chocolates and two slices of cheesecake. “People won’t eavesdrop on us and even if they do, they won’t get any tea from us.” </p><p> </p><p>Wonyoung put her index finger against her lip, emphasizing her point. “My sister would probably hear me if I’m loud enough.”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s your problem and besides, your sister doesn’t even know me.” Yujin replied and took her phone out of her pocket and scrolled through her twitter account.</p><p> </p><p>Also, she didn’t know that Wonyoung has a sister until now. She realized that this is the first time Wonyoung had talked about anyone in her family. Not that Yujin was complaining to not know certain things about Wonyoung, it’s not like the latter owes her any sort of explanation anyway. However, she’d like to know more of Wonyoung, because after all, she’s her friend.</p><p> </p><p>“Well…” Wonyoung started but immediately fell silent and with a surprised look on her face, she stated, “Oh. My. God.”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin felt confused with what is happening in her surroundings. It’s just a normal café after all. There’s nothing too special about it, but what’s notable is that the door just chimed signaling that someone came in the store.</p><p> </p><p>She saw Wonyoung looking intently at a space behind her, which she’s guessing the person is around the door. Wonyoung’s eyes followed the moving person and her stare lingered longer on a certain place, which makes Yujin assume that the person stopped walking.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you looking at?” Yujin asked, unable to hide her curiosity any longer.</p><p> </p><p>“There, the short haired girl by the window.”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin subtly turned around to see what caught the attention of her friend. She squinted her eyes (blaming her poor eyesight) and tried to have a glance the said person whom Wonyoung pointed. There weren’t really anyone else who’s standing and also have a short black haired woman, which made it easier for Yujin to see. After being able to have a vague view of the person, her eyes spotted another girl who was already seated and somehow the facial structure is similar to Wonyoung.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin took a sip of her hot turned cold chocolate drink, casually looking outside the place.</p><p> </p><p>“I finally have something to blackmail her with.” Wonyoung sinisterly muttered that even Yujin suddenly felt afraid of whatever Wonyoung is thinking of.</p><p> </p><p>“Not to be nosy but what’s the deal with your sister though?” Yujin looked at Wonyoung and put down the cup.</p><p> </p><p>Wonyoung sighed. “Long story short, we were binge watching demon slayer last night in the living room. When she got hungry, she left her phone on her seat and then her phone lit up… my nosy self looked at it and saw a notif saying that they’ll meet here at this time.”</p><p> </p><p>“They’re probably just friends.” Yujin shrugged.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t think so.” Wonyoung smirked. “No friends would put up a heart emoji next to their friend’s name as their contact,” her voice still ever as careful not to be loud, even though they’re far from her sister.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin’s lips formed a little ‘o’ shape, unable to process the information yet. It took her some time until it dawned on her. “They’re together.”</p><p> </p><p>Wonyoung grinned, the brightest and most mischievous one yet, “Exactly.”</p><p> </p><p>There was something beautiful and light whenever Wonyoung is on her playful mood. It feels like the clouds are clearing up after raining all day. And there’s nothing that Yujin could do but open the curtain, let the shine of the sun pass through her windows and afterwards take comfort with it by being under the sun.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin suddenly remembered just how warm she felt when Wonyoung leaned on her shoulder moments ago. They were patiently waiting in line as they decide on what they were going to order. The younger was feeling a little impatient on waiting and already wanted to sit down but they still have to order together, for that’s what Wonyoung is comfortable with. It was only a brief moment of contact with her but she did not know why she felt warm.</p><p> </p><p>But then she likes it, having someone to lean on her and although she hadn’t really said anything but she enjoys being near physically with the people she’s close with.</p><p> </p><p>Now, that they both saw her sister and her “friend”, the two eventually decided to go home. Yujin was about to stand up but Wonyoung stopped her, making Yujin sit down again.</p><p> </p><p>“Wait, I forgot that I haven’t taken a photo of them yet.” Wonyoung panicked, realizing that she can’t blackmail her sister with just words because words can be twisted and she knows how her older sister could make her way out of it. What she need is cold hard evidence.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin just sat there patiently waiting for her friend to take her phone out of her pocket or sling bag. Yujin hummed while Wonyoung fumble and in horror, Wonyoung’s eyes widened.</p><p> </p><p>“I forgot my phone. I was so sure I brought it with me today but I think I left it at home.” Wonyoung apologetically smiled, one that is already familiar with Yujin. Yujin usually sees it whenever the other is embarrassed to ask for help or there’s a favor that Wonyoung wants to ask but is shy to even say it out loud. “Can I borrow your phone for a second?”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin smiled at how Wonyoung looks adorable when she’s shy. “I figured you’d say that.” Yujin took her phone from the pocket of her hoodie and handed it to Wonyoung. “Here.”</p><p> </p><p>Wonyoung took it and didn’t waste time to take pictures of her sister. “I can make Hyewon-unnie buy me tons of food because of this,” she let out a sinister giggle as she zoomed in and captured a photo. On the screen, it shows two people who are smiling, almost laughing, with the busy street outside the glass window as their background. If it weren’t for the loving looks they have on their faces, Wonyoung could be convinced that it’s just two best friends who are out on a date, but she knows her sister better. “Perfect.”</p><p> </p><p>“Not until I send it to you.” Yujin pointed out. After all, Wonyoung doesn’t know Yujin’s password and she can’t possibly open it until Yujin does so.</p><p> </p><p>“Right,” Wonyoung pouted as she realizes the predicament. Wonyoung eventually returned the phone back to its owner, her eyes almost pleading. “Please send it to me immediately.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll try.”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t just try. Do it.” Wonyoung pouted.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin simply smiled, her dimples showing, and chose to be silent. She chose to take comfort with how comfortable the silence between them feels. But sadly, she needs to break it. “Let’s go now?”</p><p> </p><p>Wonyoung nodded and stood up. Yujin followed suit.</p><p> </p><p>Everything went well, except, their cover was blown away due to Wonyoung’s recklessness. They had forgotten that the direction of their home is right by the window where Hyewon and her “friend” are sitting down. The younger, took time to stare through the window and Hyewon eventually caught on the feeling that someone is staring at her, and to her shock and horror, it was her sister.</p><p> </p><p>As if it was a scene taken from a movie, Hyewon immediately stood up and went out of the café to shout out her little sister’s name. Yujin actually didn’t know what to do in that situation but what brought her back to thinking was that Wonyoung grabbed her by the wrist and started running away from the café.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin wasn’t sure if Wonyoung’s sister was even running after them but it was better than staying frozen in their place and have Wonyoung’s prized possession called ‘evidence’ gets taken away from them. Yujin took comfort with how the autumn air, hitting her face, feels nice. But to her, nothing is nicer than feeling the warmth of Wonyoung’s palm against her wrist.</p><p> </p><p>Wonyoung took a sharp turn at an alley after being quite sure that they aren’t being chased by her older sister and there they decided to catch their breaths. Yujin knows that Wonyoung isn’t as athletic as she is but it sure was a long run and for it also made her pant.</p><p> </p><p>The run was exhilarating, feeling the rush of adrenaline pulse through her veins, and Yujin doesn’t know why but her mind is thinking if it was the run that made her heart beat like crazy or is it because of her friend. It’ll be crazy if it was because of Wonyoung. But then again, she doesn’t see her friend that way.</p><p> </p><p>There’s no way she likes Wonyoung like that, because, for all that is worth, she’s her friend and Yujin plans for their relationship to stay like that, as friends (or best friends even).</p><p> </p><p>Yujin decides that it’s just the former, because of the long impromptu run they had and nothing else.</p><p> </p><p>“That was fun,” Wonyoung exclaimed between panting and gasping for air. It sure made her heart and lungs work a little more. Her hand on her knees as she breathes, and she looked at Yujin, who was also busy catching her breath as she had her back against the wall of the random building. “We should probably run more.”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin felt like melting when Wonyoung smiled, but she dragged that thought and buried it in the deepest and furthest part of her mind, so that it won’t resurface ever again. Yujin prompted a smile, to further conceal what she had thought of, “I should go back to the gym soon. I feel unfit.”</p><p> </p><p>“You should probably take me with you.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>December 25, 20*0</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Yujin always loved the holiday season. From the gift giving to meeting the New Year with the people she loves.</p><p> </p><p>And there’s nothing better than being on the comfort of her own bed at home, with a blanket draped all over her shoulder, a cup of hot chocolate between the palm of her hands while having a marvel cinematic universe marathon. She decided to start watching it over again yesterday on Christmas Eve because she misses seeing the heroes she grew up admiring.</p><p> </p><p>She feels thankful that their winter vacation already started, and there’s a lot of time to catch up with her middle school friends, and even with the dramas she was waiting for every week but unfortunately wasn’t able to anymore ever since she got busy with school. Thankfully, their teachers didn’t give anything for them to work on with during the holidays but they were told to advance study their lesson which, to her, is synonymous to not having any school work.</p><p> </p><p>She’s in the middle of watching <em>The Avengers </em>when she heard the ringtone of her phone go off. She paused the movie that was playing on her laptop, looked at the time and realize just how much invested she was (even though she already knows what’s going to happen) in watching that she lost track of time. It’s already 2 in the morning and she still hasn’t slept even when her mother told her to sleep as soon as they finished eating and collect the gifts under their Christmas tree. And thankfully, when she went downstairs to grab a cup of hot choco, her parents are still fast asleep.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin mindlessly grabbed the ringing phone, swiped up to answer the call, and held the device against her ears. She didn’t bother looking at the caller ID because she knows that she’ll be able to identify the voice of the caller.</p><p> </p><p>“Hello?” Yujin’s voice was hoarse; she blamed it on the lack of hydration and also because of the current time too. It just so happens that her voice is always hoarse whenever it’s the wee hours of the morning.</p><p> </p><p>“Hi, Yujinnie!” It didn’t even take Yujin several minutes before knowing that it was Wonyoung who called her at this ungodly hour. Yujin knows that it’s her based from the nickname used and also there’s no one else who would call Yujin at this time except her, “Merry Christmas!”</p><p> </p><p>“Merry Christmas, Wonnie.” Yujin turned off her laptop and decided that it’s useless to even watch while talking with Wonyoung on the phone. She’s highly aware that she won’t be able to focus on the screen as long as they’re both on the call. After all, she learnt that when it comes to the younger, resisting is futile.</p><p> </p><p>Months had already passed since she acknowledged that her heart flutters because of Wonyoung. As much as Yujin wants to deny that it wasn’t because of Wonyoung but because of something else, of something rational; like getting tired or maybe because of the horror movie that they watched together; the fear she had for her life when they rode a roller coaster with their classmates one time and they were sitting next to each other. She thinks that it could have been a misdirection of attraction but no. It simply isn’t.</p><p> </p><p>Wonyoung makes her heart somersault.</p><p> </p><p>Because even when they’re just eating food or when Wonyoung is near her or they’re enveloped with silence, Yujin always finds herself admiring the younger. She always admits to herself how Wonyoung is adorable, how she likes seeing the younger carry herself with confidence and elegance yet still down to earth, how Wonyoung is responsible and dependable, how talented she is, of how precious she is as a human being, and the list simply goes on…</p><p> </p><p>There was a time, around November, when Yujin tried to distance herself from the younger to keep these feelings at bay, but it simply didn’t work. Every time she tries to stay away, it only ends up with her being back to Wonyoung’s side, listening to her stories, helping each other, and hanging out together.</p><p> </p><p>How could Yujin ever resist Wonyoung’s pretty doe eyes? How could Yujin prevent herself from being pulled by Wonyoung’s charming smile? How could she ever ignore Wonyoung when the thought of her being sad due to Yujin’s avoidance is also enough to break her heart?</p><p> </p><p>That’s why Yujin keeps it in and puts on an act that she’s not in any way attracted to Wonyoung. That all Wonyoung is to Yujin is a best friend, nothing more and nothing less, just for their friendship not to get jeopardized. After all, if they’re friends, with that, their relationship could surpass the time span of other couples because couples, as she knows, are bound to break up at some point.</p><p> </p><p>But whenever they are alone together she is afraid that Wonyoung might hear her loud heartbeat or maybe Wonyoung will see past behind the curtains Yujin had put on her eyes, and realize how Yujin has these feelings for her.</p><p> </p><p>The thought that Wonyoung might keep her distance away from her, once she knows how Yujin feels, makes Yujin try her hardest to keep how she feels inside her.</p><p> </p><p>And when she’s alone, she’s haunted by the ‘what if’s’ that are far from happening unless she actually confesses her feelings.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry. Did I wake you up?” Wonyoung’s voice was soft and it’s laced with hesitance. Clearly, Wonyoung didn’t want to disturb Yujin but as always, Yujin thinks that it’s fine if Wonyoung is the one who is disturbing her, because she is never be a bother to Yujin and she never will be.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t worry, you didn’t wake me. I was up having a marvel cinematic universe marathon.” Yujin said as she placed her laptop away and fully lay down on her bed. “What about you? Why are you still up right now?”</p><p> </p><p>There was silence on the other end of the phone, making Yujin think that maybe Wonyoung fell asleep but a few minutes later, Wonyoung spoke, “Sorry, I’m feeling drowsy. I called because I didn’t want to text my greeting to you. Anyway, by any chance, are you using the gift I gave you?”</p><p> </p><p>More than a week ago, they both went shopping because Wonyoung persisted and who was Yujin to turn down an offer made by the person she likes. They went together to buy presents for their parents and friends. And of course, they secretly bought each other a gift.</p><p> </p><p>It sure was tough for Yujin to buy one for Wonyoung. The girl literally has everything, from the brains, to beauty, to talent, and she can have anything she wants if she just said so. And also, Wonyoung is someone who doesn’t like making her friends spend money to treat her.</p><p> </p><p>Even if it was hard to look for a gift, Yujin kept looking for one all because she wanted to give Wonyoung something to remember her by, especially when they aren’t together.</p><p> </p><p>That same day when they went out, snow fell for the first time. Yujin used to believe that when you’re out with someone you like during the first snowfall, love will blossom between the two of you and if you’re already together, then the two of you will stay together for a long time. It was Yujin’s dream to experience such sweet yet cliché thing but considering her circumstances, she knows that it will never happen. But at that moment, she wished that it was indeed true.</p><p> </p><p>She was thankful being with Wonyoung and spending the entire day with her. Although she didn’t really bought anything that Wonyoung would be suspicious of while they were looking for gifts, she just bought it on the way back home because Wonyoung was vocal about wanting succulents and growing a plant. And that was what Yujin got for her.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin hummed silently as she stared at the iron man socks she’s wearing and also feeling special that Wonyoung even took time to call her. “Yes, Wonyoung. I’m using it right now. But I think that you should head to bed now. We can just talk later in person today.” She wanted to ask if the succulents are fine and even if she wanted to talk to her more because she misses her (it’s been days since she last saw her and talked to her), Wonyoung’s health and sleep is still a priority.</p><p> </p><p>“You should too.” Wonyoung’s voice was groggy, sleepiness taking effect on her. “See you soon, Yujinnie. Good night.” Wonyoung yawned.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin suddenly remembered their agreement to meet each other a day after New Year. She’s just going to count days and not months, it’s bearable for her to wait. “Yeah, see you soon. Sleep tight, Wonnie.”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin didn’t end the call and waited for Wonyoung to drop it instead, but it never happened. Yujin was eventually greeted by the faint, steady, and even breathing patterns, which made her conclude that Wonyoung is already asleep.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin sighed as she kept the line alive. It’s the wee hours of Christmas morning. She should be asleep and not awake listening to the person she likes breathe and sleep. She thinks that maybe if only confidence arises inside her, she will confess to Wonyoung but then again, she’s afraid that Wonyoung would reject and avoid her, which leaves her no choice but to revert back to her decision to keep it a secret instead.</p><p> </p><p>But since it’s Christmas and Wonyoung is asleep and the line is still on, she thinks that maybe this is a good chance to be a little bit selfish. In her mind, she apologizes to Wonyoung for being selfish on Christmas. She swears by her heart that this will be the first and the last time she’ll do this.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin knows that love itself is not selfish. It is selfless. Love concerns itself with thinking of the other person’s well-being, not of one person’s feelings. She should, at least, be able to put up with her act and emotions, and not take advantage of the current circumstance because it just isn’t fair for Wonyoung to hear it while she’s asleep. But Yujin just can’t bear to see Wonyoung’s reaction if she ever did confess to her in person, much more if she ever hears this.</p><p> </p><p>“I like you.” Yujin softly whispered, afraid that anything louder than that would make the younger wake up from her beauty rest. Yujin heard some slight rustling and it scared her that maybe Wonyoung woke up. In her shock and horror, she clicked the end button by accident.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin sighed, realizing that she let those three words that carry her emotions roll off her tongue. It baffled her how three words contained only some of her emotions that are hidden inside her. It’s not yet the entire ocean, what she said is just a few drops of it and the feeling of being able to let some of it go from her system on this wee morning, made her feel a little exhausted.</p><p> </p><p>After having a resolve to confess to Wonyoung in the future, her mind then thought of the thousands and millions of possibilities that may happen in a different world or universe; she’s certain that among those alternate universes there should be at least one of them where they would end up together.</p><p> </p><p>That one possibility was what she took and ventured in until her mind tires out from running different scenarios and of what dates they’d go to, and eventually, she fell asleep.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>April 2, 20*1</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“Be honest. You only took me here to be your photographer, didn’t you?” Yujin whined as she looked over the viewfinder and snapped a picture of Wonyoung. She looked at the screen and saw that it was perfect. Wonyoung’s eyes and lips were smiling and her arms were up to the sky, showing her youth and love for adventure.</p><p> </p><p>The harsh and cold winter wind is long gone. And it’s officially Yujin’s hated season because of plants and flowers thriving and blooming again, but the flowers are now tolerated by Yujin especially cherry blossoms.</p><p> </p><p>She couldn’t bring herself to dislike something that Wonyoung loves, and that’s why it’s tolerable although she still thinks that they’re just there for the aesthetic value.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin doesn’t know if she should be happy that Wonyoung asked her yesterday to join her on her trip for the sight-seeing or if she should be sad and annoyed because it’ll mean that she’ll see flowers. But lo and behold, she ended up agreeing and preparing to go with Wonyoung. After all, it’s a Saturday and there’s not much to do even when considering that another academic year started again.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin’s amazement could be seen on her face when she learned that Wonyoung actually remembered the talk they had last year during summer. She has already forgotten it but Wonyoung was able to recall it. To her, Wonyoung’s capacity to remember such details and small talk is astonishing.</p><p> </p><p>They were walking side by side along the flowery path for quite some time now, with cherry blossoms looming over their heads and petals that had already fallen onto the ground, making the white and pink petals get mixed with dirt; until they found a beautiful spot with not much people on and decided to take pictures as souvenir of this year’s spring.</p><p> </p><p>“Glad that you know it,” Wonyoung giggled and Yujin felt grateful when she took another picture at that moment. On the screen lies the city having a soft blur on the background as the picture captured Wonyoung’s eye smile as she looked at the camera, her gums showing as she giggled, a few falling petals were also in the view with the branch of cherry blossom that Yujin purposely left to be seen on the frame.</p><p> </p><p>To others, it would just seem as a normal portrait but to Yujin, it’s already close to her heart. This is, no doubt, belongs to the list of her favorite photos of Wonyoung.</p><p> </p><p>“I should demand my talent fee then.” Yujin commented. “I bet you that it’s a little expensive.”</p><p> </p><p>“Can my love be enough as payment?” Wonyoung asked. Yujin knows that it’s just one of those things where they’re both just joking and flirting innocently. They say that harmless flirting is good but Yujin says that it’s all fun and games until you actually want them to mean what they say.</p><p> </p><p>But Yujin knows it wouldn’t dare happen. Not when she feels like she’s just friend A in this sight-seeing trip.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin took another photo first before answering. “I don’t think it will be enough.” Yujin checked the photo and the outcome was a nicer than the other. Maybe she’s just biased but every picture with Wonyoung on it is perfect. “My talent fee is actually a house and lot with a luxury car.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’ve got to be kidding me, Yujinnie.” Wonyoung giggled and walked closer to Yujin, wanting to take a look at the pictures Yujin got of her. “There’s <em>no way</em> that it’s really your talent fee. Let me look at the pictures first before deciding whether to pay you up or not.”</p><p> </p><p>“Suit yourself then.” Yujin handed the camera to Wonyoung and let her judge it. She walked a few steps in front of her just to distance herself to Wonyoung. Her heart was pounding like crazy. It was making her worried that Wonyoung might hear her and ask her about it.</p><p> </p><p>She looked up towards the pink cherry blossoms. <em>They really are pretty.</em> She thinks to herself. <em>But they’re not as pretty as Wonyoung.</em> She was just about to get lost inside a daydream that will never happen when she felt someone brush by her side. Yujin didn’t have to look to know that it was Wonyoung, she knows just by the height.</p><p> </p><p>No one spoke a word; they were simply there in that moment looking at the falling petals and flowers that blossomed.</p><p> </p><p>At that moment, the world behind Yujin felt muffled. It was silenced by the loud thumping inside her chest. And her eyes were focused on the person she loves. She had already memorized the younger’s side profile but she doesn’t mind taking a look at it over and over again. She thought that Wonyoung is already breathtaking even without flowers falling, but Yujin didn’t know that Wonyoung would be a lot more breathtaking with them.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin saw how Wonyoung’s eyes were shining. Wonyoung wasn’t looking at her and Yujin took in that opportunity to capture that moment with her eyes and burn it inside her mind just so it won’t get lost. And right after that, the younger turned to look at her and Yujin saw how her lips slowly curved upwards, her eyes fixated on her, seeing the orbs dancing along with the sunlight.</p><p> </p><p>And at that moment, Yujin simply melted away.</p><p> </p><p>“They’re pretty, right?” Wonyoung muttered under her breath. She turned to look up at the tree again, lifted her right hand and opened her palm. Yujin watched the girl wait for a petal to fall onto her palm; it’s a lot similar to what Yujin does when it snows and when it rains.</p><p> </p><p>After a few moments, there was a petal that fell on her palm. If Wonyoung’s smile earlier was already bright, the moment the soft petal touched her skin, her smile was brighter than what Yujin ever saw.</p><p> </p><p>It’s not even that much but seeing Wonyoung admire the things that she loves makes Yujin feel more for the younger. It’s always just the most random and most little of things that stands out for Yujin. It’s always the little things.</p><p> </p><p><em>Not as pretty as you.</em> Yujin thought as her hands clenched and lips pursed together. She hated how she doesn’t have the guts to tell that simple compliment to Wonyoung.</p><p> </p><p>“And about your talent fee, I’ll---“</p><p> </p><p>“Hi Wonyoung.” Yujin turned to look at the owner of the voice and here it is, she feels a lot more like friend A now. One of the reasons why Wonyoung requested for her to join this sight-seeing trip is because Minju asked Wonyoung out for this. And Wonyoung wasn’t entirely comfortable if she’ll go alone and also because of the talk they had last summer. “Hi Yujin.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hi Minju.” Wonyoung greeted. All that Yujin could manage was a single nod. Yujin feels thankful that they decided to just meet where the flowers bloom instead of meeting up somewhere else. Because if that was the case, she’d feel really bad and she wouldn’t be able to have the chance to take photos of Wonyoung.</p><p> </p><p>“I hope you don’t mind that I brought Chaewon along.” Yujin looked at the person beside Minju. Of course, she knows the two. Who wouldn’t? They’re the duo that everyone looks up to. They excel at their studies and they’re even rumored to be together because of the immense chemistry between them but it was a shocker when Yujin learned that they aren’t.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin only stood there and awkwardly smiled at Chaewon who returned a timid smile at her direction. “I don’t mind as long as you don’t mind that Yujin is here too.” Yujin heard Wonyoung say.</p><p> </p><p>“You know what they say, ‘the more the merrier’,” Minju smiled. “We should go and walk around the place now.”</p><p> </p><p>Almost like clockwork, Chaewon is already beside Yujin while the other two is in front of them. The group started to walk and Yujin didn’t know what to say to start a conversation with Chaewon. She never did try to talk to her seniors before unless they talk to her first.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you a fan of flowers?”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin heard Chaewon asked. She felt compelled to tell the truth. For once she wanted to be honest and not conceal something from herself. “Not really. I actually dislike them.”</p><p> </p><p>“Why?” Chaewon queried. “I don’t remember knowing someone who doesn’t like flowers. You’re the first one.”</p><p> </p><p>“Should I feel honored?” Yujin looked at Chaewon momentarily before looking at the pavement as the walk. “It’s just that flowers require tons of effort for them to live, they’re expensive as hell, some people also have allergies on them, and being pretty to look at is all that these flowers know.”</p><p> </p><p>“You sound like you have a grudge on them.”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin shrugged, “Who knows.” Yujin’s eyes darted to the people in front of them who were laughing and smiling. Yujin wondered what they could be talking about. “But sometimes flowers aren’t that bad. Some flowers are worth looking at when they bloom.”</p><p> </p><p>“Actually, I too wasn’t a fan of flowers.” Chaewon muttered. “I didn’t care for them before until someone came along who loves them.”</p><p> </p><p>“Then are you together with that person now, Chaewon-ssi?”</p><p> </p><p>“Please, just call me Chaewon-unnie.” Chaewon smiled. “And to answer your question, sadly, no,” she was still smiling but her eyes says otherwise.</p><p> </p><p>“Why are you not together with that person? If it’s not too much to ask,” Yujin was worried that she may be stepping outside her boundaries now.</p><p> </p><p>“I just haven’t had the courage to confess yet.”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin didn’t know what to say and was at loss for words. She wanted to say stuff that could cheer her senior up but none came up to her mind. She is in the same predicament as her senior. She’s not one to say stuff like ‘you’ll be able to gain courage and confess someday’ and the like for she’ll end up being a hypocrite for not being able to apply her own words to herself.</p><p> </p><p>“If you like someone Yujin, try to confess to them. You only live once and one rejection wouldn’t hurt.” Chaewon said trying to lift up the sudden heavy mood.</p><p> </p><p>For Yujin, rejection is something she could not really take. She would rather end up living on another country if she gets rejected. But she doesn’t think she can confess to Wonyoung soon when there’s Minju by her side.</p><p> </p><p>She knows that Wonyoung would choose the older girl because after all, when compared to Minju, she’s nothing.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t really have someone in mind.” Lies, until when will Yujin try to deceive herself and other people when it comes to liking someone.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t think so.” Chaewon said. “I saw the stares you were giving her.” Chaewon looked in front of them and Yujin wasn’t that naïve to not know who the older was pertaining to.</p><p> </p><p>“I…” Yujin couldn’t think of any excuse to say and that’s why she just went with whatever came to her mind first. “We’re just best friends.” Here it goes, another denial.</p><p> </p><p>“Best friends… right.” Chaewon uttered. “I’ve never seen two pretty best friends before.”</p><p> </p><p>“You already did.” Yujin looked at Chaewon knowingly. “You and Minju are two pretty best friends too.”</p><p> </p><p>“You know what, you could pass off as my little sister in some alternate universe.” Chaewon chuckled as they walk together looking at the people in front of them.</p><p> </p><p>And for some reason, Yujin feels at ease talking to the older girl. “Maybe… who knows.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>April 29, 20*1</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Never had she ever thought that she will go without resorting to violence just to see different types of flowers as part of their spring escapades. In reality, she didn’t want to go but she was forced by the others. They didn’t stop on being annoying and asking her about joining the trip and all the fun things that they would do. Yujin eventually gave in to peer pressure just for them to stop annoying her.</p><p> </p><p>“Chaeyeon-ah, take a picture of me there.”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin watched as Chaeyeon and Yena got up, excused themselves, and headed towards the flowers to have their own photo shoot.  They just finished setting up the blankets and laid down the food they brought on the middle of the blanket.  And here were the others, already on their way to take pictures that will turn out have the aesthetic value because of the flowers on the background.</p><p> </p><p>She turned her head to another direction and saw another pair that is having their own fun. Wonyoung was posing and Minju was taking pictures of her. It was a sight to see, Wonyoung being in the middle of the field and Yujin couldn’t tell Wonyoung apart from the flowers. Wonyoung had her soft and innocent look as she was surrounded by the delicate features of the blossoms.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin just looked at her friends as they busy themselves taking pictures as souvenirs from this place. She knows that some of those pictures will end up on their instagram feed, some on their instagram stories, fleet, my day, some would be deleted, and some would be sitting on their gallery just for memories sake. <em>We humans and our attraction to everything that is pretty.</em></p><p> </p><p>Chaewon suddenly showed up beside Yujin as she casually eats a tangerine. Chaewon extended the hand where she has a tangerine. “A tangerine for your thoughts?”</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks but no thanks, Unnie. I’m good.” Yujin refused as she shook her head no.</p><p> </p><p>“If you say so,” Chaewon shrugged as she looked at the blue sky decorated with white clouds before turning to Yujin. “You seem to be in deep thoughts today, Yujin.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s really nothing, Unnie.” Yujin muttered. “Why don’t you stand over there and let me take a picture of you.” Yujin says in hopes that Chaewon won’t press on letting her say her thoughts because she doesn’t want to talk about it.</p><p> </p><p>Chaewon’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, “Are you sure you want to take my picture among those flowers? Or you just want to kill some time because the person you want to take a photo of is already having a photo shoot with someone else?”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin shook her head because of what the older said. “Do you want to get your photo taken or not?”</p><p> </p><p>Over time Yujin learnt that the less you speak about some things the less likely you are to spill things accidentally. And the same goes with talking to Chaewon. She learnt her lesson the second time she spent time with her.</p><p> </p><p>It was when Wonyoung got her to join in seeing the aquarium along with Minju, and Yujin only agreed when Wonyoung said that Chaewon will be there. During the entire day, they took pictures of the fishes and other sea creatures. They all had a good time, but there was a moment when Wonyoung and Minju were far from them and they were trailing behind when she got tricked by Chaewon into admitting that she likes Wonyoung. She forgot how the older girl did it but the emotions she was hiding for so long is now known by another person.</p><p> </p><p>And now, she had no choice but to ignore the teasing but at least she gained someone whom she can talk to about Wonyoung.</p><p> </p><p>Chaewon stood up and dusted her pants, her hands empty of tangerine. “Let’s go. I still need to update my instagram. I believe my followers are waiting to see what I’m up to this spring.”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin couldn’t believe what she just heard but she still stood up. “I think they’re more interested on their own lives and spring trip than what you’re thinking.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh shut up.”</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>Everyone is feeling full as they just finished eating lunch. There weren’t really much else to look at in this place except for the flowers and structures that complement the scenery. To every tourist that gets lost here admires the picturesque view that the urban scene couldn’t give. Immediately after, the others went for a restroom break and some decided to talk a walk and among those who took a walk were Yujin and Wonyoung. They promised to be back soon after they make the food settle in their stomach.</p><p> </p><p>“What would you do if you like someone Yujin?”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin froze upon hearing the question. It was just the two of them casually making their pinwheels spin as they stand in the middle of the bridge, their arms in contact with the railings and the wind is blowing nicely against their face.</p><p> </p><p>Earlier, they came across by a store that sells pinwheels and bought their own. There were different colors but Yujin settled in for the blue pinwheel while Wonyoung went for the pink one. Yujin didn’t even have to ask why it was the color Wonyoung chose because she knows that that they both bought those pinwheels for the same reason, it was their favorite color.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin hummed as she looked on the water below her. “If I ever like someone, I will probably try to confess to them.”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin feels like a hypocrite for saying things that she can’t really do. She felt her chest tighten a little bit as she’s guilty with dishonesty against the person she likes. She badly wants to let Wonyoung know but she knows that she can’t really handle the repercussions now if she does it.</p><p> </p><p>“I will treat them gently and be attentive to every little thing that they do. From the things that they like to the things that they don’t like, I would probably take note all of them.” Yujin muttered, as she turned her head to look at Wonyoung who’s standing next to her. The younger looking far in front of them, her eyes were sparkling and bit by bit, Wonyoung met Yujin’s gaze. “I’ll always be there for them and care for them too.”</p><p> </p><p>“What if you love them?”</p><p> </p><p>“I’d probably do the same but here’s an additional thing.” Yujin paused. “I would make sure that their happiness comes first before mine.”</p><p> </p><p>They fell silent. All that they can hear were the symphony of the birds and the rustling of the leaves as the wind gently blows. The sun was covered by the clouds, giving them shade and protecting their eyes from the harsh glare of the heaven’s eye.</p><p> </p><p>“What if they don’t like you back?”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin weakly smiled as she stared longingly into Wonyoung’s soft almond eyes. She didn’t care if Wonyoung sees past through the curtains she had put to hide her emotions. All she can feel is the vulnerability that she keeps trying to keep inside. To her it feels like she’s spilling a part of her out there.</p><p> </p><p>“I’d still continue to admire them even if it’s in silence or far from a far.” Yujin swallowed the lump forming on her throat. “I’ll love them until my heart gets tired of loving them.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>But thing is, I don’t think my heart would ever get tired of loving you.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>“The person doesn’t even have to love me back although that would be more favorable but because if I love someone, I will love them unconditionally and if loving equates to pain, I know that I’ll be able to endure it. That is, if I love the person.”</p><p> </p><p>“You sound like you have experience on loving someone, Yujinnie.” Wonyoung commented as she giggled. “Who’s this lucky person?”</p><p> </p><p>“You know that there’s no one, Wonyoungie. And you’d know it if I were to like someone.” Yujin muttered, as she watched Wonyoung avoided her gaze and back onto her pinwheel.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin didn’t realize that she has been gripping on the pinwheel a little too hard that made her knuckles turn white. She inwardly sighed as she looked at it spin, her mind already thinking of the different what ifs.</p><p> </p><p>She felt a hand tap her shoulder and she looked at Wonyoung motioning for them to walk back to where the group is. Yujin nodded and Wonyoung pivoted her heel and started to walk away from the older. Yujin stayed rooted in her place as she contemplates that maybe it would be fine if she decides to confess now, personally; because if she was being honest, the scenery and the atmosphere is suitable for a confession.</p><p> </p><p>“Wonyoung-ah.”</p><p> </p><p>Wonyoung heard Yujin call out to her, making her stop in her tracks to look back at Yujin. The older was still in the middle of the wooden bridge while she’s already walking on the pavement. Her expression was soft as her eyebrows were slightly raised as she looked at Yujin, she wonders if it was obvious that she’s confused and asking questions silently in this moment, as she stood there as she waited for Yujin to say something.</p><p> </p><p>Wonyoung watched as Yujin shook her head as she smiled to herself. “What is it Yujinnie?” Wonyoung blinked.</p><p> </p><p>“Nothing.” Yujin said. “Wait up for me.”</p><p> </p><p>“What was that?” Wonyoung questioned as soon as Yujin was walking beside her.</p><p> </p><p>“It was really nothing.”</p><p> </p><p>“It didn’t seem like it was nothing.” Wonyoung countered.</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe it was something but your beauty made me speechless.” Yujin casually said.</p><p> </p><p>“Shut up.”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin heartily chuckled as she holds on to the sanity left inside her to not confess to Wonyoung in this moment. She disguised the words she’s been meaning to say in a form of joke and advice, just leaving out the part that she has feelings for her even when she was about to confess when she called out to Wonyoung. And Yujin knows that Wonyoung deserves to know that someone likes her. <em>Someday Wonyoung, not now. I promise.</em></p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>---</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>November 7, 20*1</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Yujin thought that it’s time to confess to her now.</p><p>
  
</p><p>She didn’t even realize just how quickly time passes and how she didn’t even remember a single thing she did during summer. All that she knows is that the leaves had changed their colors and are falling to the ground. But the changing of the season isn’t parallel to her feelings for she still feels the same for Wonyoung.</p><p> </p><p>But maybe it did change, only that it became stronger.</p><p> </p><p> “Yujin, I said yes to her.”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin felt her world crumble.</p><p> </p><p>It’s a Sunday afternoon and they were only hanging out at Yujin’s apartment when Wonyoung blurted out those words. Yujin was just about to shoot her shot right now too because she finally wants to let the younger know how she feels for her. But clearly, she’s already too late for someone already gained Wonyoung’s trust and her heart.</p><p> </p><p>She should have known better and seen it coming. Of course they’ll be a thing, just how naïve is she to make herself believe that the two won’t end up together. That Wonyoung wouldn’t fall for someone like Minju.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin learned of their dates over the couple of months because of the younger telling her what happened whenever the two goes out together. She knows of their petty fights whenever Wonyoung would hit her up just before Yujin goes to bed and Wonyoung would ramble about how Minju said a certain thing and she disagreed and they ended up fighting. She knows how Wonyoung would end up wooed by Minju the next morning.</p><p> </p><p>And if Yujin was being honest, Minju is everything that someone would want to have. She’s pretty, she has a golden heart, she’s got brains, she’s got that attitude that makes people want to have her as a friend, she’s outgoing, and more.</p><p> </p><p>She’s everything that Yujin isn’t and can’t be for Wonyoung.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin just didn’t think that it would be this soon. Maybe it was the universe telling her that she’ll be alone for the meantime and that she doesn’t deserve to feel love.</p><p> </p><p>Wonyoung was still saying something but at this point Yujin couldn’t focus on what the younger was saying. All that she could hear was the strange sound ringing on her ear, along with that one sentence playing on repeat inside her mind, pounding her head and thus, making it ache.</p><p> </p><p>She wanted to push the words that keep repeating inside her head back to the deepest part of her brain where it’ll rot. She badly wanted to scream for she can’t take the throbbing pain in her head. Every minute feels like hell and she can’t even see Wonyoung properly even if she’s already wearing glasses. She can still make out some words that Wonyoung said but it just so happens that the words she’ll properly hear are the same thing that would fragment her heart more into a million tiny pieces.</p><p> </p><p>“We’re together.”</p><p> </p><p>Two words that her ear decided to hear and it broke her. Yujin wanted to smile for the news her friend had brought to her. She feels honored to be one of the people Wonyoung first told that. She feels happy that Wonyoung trusts her so much that they can talk about anything and everything under the sun and not be judged by each other. They are each other’s safe space after all.</p><p> </p><p>But Yujin didn’t know that being someone’s safe space can also hurt. Not just figuratively but also literally.</p><p> </p><p>Not only her head is acting up, terribly hurting her, but her chest feels like it is being ripped opened from the inside too. She badly wanted to breathe but to her it feels that something is blocking her airways, suffocating her. And no matter how badly she gasps for air, her body wasn’t cooperating properly with her right now.</p><p> </p><p>She can feel Wonyoung’s worried eyes boring on her. Yujin can see shock that made the younger freeze on her place, unaware of what to do because of this had never happened before to Yujin. And Wonyoung knows that Yujin is physically fit, after all, she’s in their school’s track team.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin used up all of her power just to stand up and make her way to her bathroom. As soon as she locked herself inside, she vaguely looked at the mirror and had a view of just how miserable she looks. Messy hair that was tied in a bun, glasses that were almost at the tip of her nose, and she didn’t even realize how badly she wanted to cry until she saw her reflection. <em>What a mess</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin turned the water sink on, sat on the bathroom floor and started to cry, temporarily forgetting about the pain inside her chest. Her tears flowing silently but she did not make a sound.</p><p> </p><p>She cries for a love that didn’t become hers. She cries for the chances she didn’t take. She cries for not being courageous enough. She cries for being just a friend. She cries because of the pain. She cries for her hidden emotions. She cries as she blames herself.</p><p> </p><p>Yet she cried on her bathroom floor silently, just for Wonyoung not to get worried.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin forcefully made herself stop crying. She wiped her tears and dried her face until she felt it again, the immense pain on her chest making her gasp for air. The pain starts from her heart that moves to her lungs and spreading to her ribs. She uses her nose to inhale deeply and her mouth to exhale. But even if she uses that breathing exercise, it was no use. It was still painful for her.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin wanted the aching to stop already. She wanted to be free by whatever it was hurting her from the inside. She badly wanted to just go out of the bathroom and lay down on the comfort of her bed. She wanted to be able to breathe normally again. She wanted to forget that this day had ever happened.</p><p> </p><p>But, never had she ever experienced to want to cough up so badly.</p><p> </p><p>To her it feels that something is stuck on her throat but she did not even remember eating anything that could block her airways like this today. The pain pierced through her throat making it feel dry and this is much worse to when she had a terrible coughing fit back in middle school that made her parents worry a lot.</p><p> </p><p>She coughed so hard that it hurts her to even try for every time she exerts pressure on her diaphragm, lungs, and throat, the pain strikes her back. She only wants to breathe and cough out whatever is inside her but… <em>why is my body not cooperating?</em></p><p> </p><p>Yujin felt like dying at the moment. But then she heard Wonyoung’s voice just outside the bathroom door. “Hey, Yujin. Are you good there?”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin felt the pressure that Wonyoung is giving her but she’s afraid that her voice will crack if she’ll say something out loud. She opted to just muffle her coughs by putting a hand over her mouth. “I’ll head out now though. Minju asked me out tonight for dinner.” Yujin stayed still on the bathroom door as she listened. “I’m sorry I can’t take care of you today. I’ll make it up to you I swear. And I hope you’re fine there.”</p><p> </p><p>She coughed with all her might as soon as she heard her apartment door close again. The pain had subsided and whatever object was blocking her airways was gone, making her breathe normally again. Yet she felt something soft against her palm.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin looked at it feeling indifferently.</p><p> </p><p>She had heard of people dying because of coughing out flowers due to unrequited love. She heard of stories regarding growing seeds inside a person’s heart. She had heard of them but she never thought that she had one growing inside her too.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin looked at her own reflection and saw that nothing has changed but if there is one, she’s messier now. Her bloodshot eyes, tear stained cheeks, her lips were quivering as she thinks that she doesn’t want to die yet.</p><p> </p><p>How could the world be so cruel to her that the only time she falls in love, the universe would let her suffer immensely. <em>Just what in the world did I do in my past life to deserve this?</em></p><p> </p><p>Yujin gazed at the single soft pink petal on her palm. It looked so innocent and precious. No wonder, people likes it. Yet as much as she would like to hate it, she couldn’t.</p><p> </p><p>How could she? The petal looks a lot similar to that of Wonyoung’s favorite flower.</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>As soon as Yujin woke up this morning, she knew she would end up having swollen eyes and puffed face. And she was right for she saw her reflection on her bathroom mirror. She looks as miserable as she was yesterday and it would take her at least a day before it goes back to normal and also, she doesn’t want anyone to ask her if she cried the last night or anything at all because it would only make her want to cry more. And that’s why she opted to just ditch today’s classes.</p><p> </p><p>Her swollen eyes were a product of crying all night after knowing everything there is to know about coughing out petals and flowers. She thanks the heavens for the quick access to information and internet that she didn’t need to go to a library just to search about stuff related to the hanahaki disease.</p><p> </p><p>She learned that the first stage is coughing out petals. Immense pain will be felt every time and it signifies that a person’s time is already limited and this stage usually shows up when a person’s love is not reciprocated. The second stage emerges if the person coughs out flower buds. This indicates that time is clearly running out and not long after the last stage of the disease will take place, where the person coughs out full bloom flowers and eventually dies along with their emotions.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin’s eyes darted out from reading different articles and her eyes had hurt last night as she did so, but the pain on her eyes was nothing to what she feels on her chest.</p><p> </p><p>It felt like thorns were pricking her chest every time she coughs and her throat feels dry from the coughing. The pain wreaks havoc and it reminds her that it was the same thing as love. It looks way too pretty at first sight but then it can also hurt like a bitch.</p><p> </p><p>She also learned about the approximate life span of those who suffer from the disease which is, unfortunately, not much. Some of them might still live for about a week, some for two weeks, and if she’s lucky, she might be able to live for a month.</p><p> </p><p>And Yujin doesn’t know if she could even survive that long. But she wishes to be able to live even for just a little longer.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin sighed as she stared at her room’s ceiling while she lie completely still on her bed. She feels lethargic and unmotivated to even prepare herself some brunch. It just baffles her to know that she has flowers growing inside her chest, and that soon enough she’ll meet her doom.</p><p> </p><p>While she was at it last night, she also tried to find something that could cure her of this disease but every site she read said that there was only one way out, and that is if the person reciprocates her feelings, only then it would go away. Other than that, surgeries weren’t really recommended even by the netizens because if the hanahaki strikes again for the second time, being buried six feet under is already guaranteed.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin let out another sigh, but this time it was heavy. It was as heavy as the rain pouring outside. She thinks that it’s funny how the sky is joining her on how she feels right now. Everything is just weighing up on her shoulders and she doesn’t even know how she will handle it.</p><p> </p><p>The only thing that Yujin wanted right now was someone listening to her rant. She used to do it with Wonyoung. She used to tell her of every single inconvenience that had happened on her life and then everything would feel a little lighter, and she’d feel better because she had someone to share these thoughts with. But now, she can’t bring herself to do it. Not when the reason for her agony, is the same person she used to tell every little thing to.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin wanted to avoid seeing Wonyoung because she doesn’t know how to handle it if she’ll see Wonyoung and Minju together. But then, she remembered what happened when she tried to avoid the younger. It only ended with her being by Wonyoung’s side. It also didn’t help that they’re classmates too. There’s literally no chance of her escaping for she needs to go to class too even if she’s sick.</p><p> </p><p><em>Maybe I can hide this from them too. </em>Yujin thinks. <em>I’ve concealed my feelings long enough so maybe I can keep this as a secret too.</em></p><p> </p><p>Yujin gazed at her digital clock and saw that it’s just a little quarter after 1 and she still haven’t eaten anything. She honestly wanted to eat but the feeling of despair and wanting to just lie on her bed and sleep is stronger than her hunger. And so, she went to bed after coughing a new set of flower petals.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>November 11, 20*1</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Yujin silently fixed her things before she headed out of their classroom. She didn’t even bother saying goodbye to her classmates and not even to Wonyoung. She just went out on her way home all alone and quietly.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin knows that Wonyoung noticed every little thing that had subtly changed with Yujin but chose to keep mum for the entire day. Maybe it was because this is the first day that Yujin went back to school after the coughing fit on Sunday and Wonyoung doesn’t want to make Yujin feel terrible with her rants and nagging. Because for three days, Yujin called in sick at school due to fever.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>All of these maybe’s and there’s nothing sure about them.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>It was hard for Yujin to keep it inside of her. Not when she had to quickly go to the restroom whenever she can feel her chest hurting and how she would cough petals on her palm inside a bathroom stall and keep the flower inside her pocket only to put it inside her bag, just so no one would find out that someone in their class has hanahaki. After all, cherry blossom doesn’t bloom in autumn.</p><p> </p><p>And for three days she had thought of different sort of things. Stuff like how she doesn’t want to be treated as someone who’s dying. She doesn’t want everyone to suddenly change how they interact with her just because of this disease. She wants to them to be the same people who talk to her about different things about school, talk about gossips, and just be a normal student in general.</p><p> </p><p>And most of all, she doesn’t want to make Wonyoung feel guilty of anything for she didn’t do anything wrong. It will make her really feel bad if Wonyoung knows of this and tries to reciprocate her feelings just to save her from dying.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>It will be just as horrible as dying if that was the case, if not worse than it.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>And for the past days Yujin thought that she won’t be able to say anything about this disease to anyone, especially not even to her parents. The thought of her saying that their only daughter has limited time on earth because of the hanahaki breaks her. It wrecks her terribly. She can imagine her mom crying and she knows her dad would be willing to bargain anything just for her to live.</p><p> </p><p>But there’s no way out of this anymore.</p><p> </p><p>Not when Wonyoung is happy and loved by the person she likes, while here she is, silently enduring the pain caused by loving someone in the dark.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve been searching for you for days.” Yujin suddenly felt a weight fell on her shoulder as she just got past the campus gate. “Where have you been you baby giant?” And Yujin already knew who the person is just by the nickname used on her.</p><p> </p><p>“Didn’t you hear from Wonyoung, Chaewon-unnie? I was sick.” Yujin said.</p><p> </p><p>“I was so close to knocking at your doorstep if you haven’t come to school yet today..” Chaewon muttered, letting the younger go from her hold. “Are you sure you’re fine now?”</p><p> </p><p>“Just some colds and cough left unnie but I’ll be fine.” Yujin apologetically smiled as she had already perfected the art of lying and omitting some information by now. “Why, Unnie?”</p><p> </p><p>“I just missed you terribly. It was lonely without you and I’ve been surrounded by love birds all around me.” Chaewon whined as they took their steps away from the campus. “Yena was being a whipped girlfriend towards Yuri and Minju kept trying to hang out with Wonyoung while we’re still free from university works. Meanwhile I got no one.”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin shook her head in disbelief. They are all whipped for the people they want and Yujin is no exception but there are limitations to the extent that she shows for she respects the both of them. And to top it all, they’re her friends.</p><p> </p><p>“What about the person you like Unnie?” Yujin questioned. “What about her?”</p><p> </p><p>Until now, Yujin still hasn’t learnt of the person whom Chaewon likes. It had always piqued her curiosity but at the same time she doesn’t want to force nor pressure Chaewon into disclosing the information to her. She believes that in time when her unnie has a bit more confidence or feels fine talking about the person and the name, until then she’ll be patient.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>But will I even get to survive long enough to know who she is?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Chaewon froze a little before weakly smiling. “She’s still the person I like.” Chaewon turned to Yujin. “But point is, I missed your presence Yujin-ah.” Chaewon paused. “And now, I’m going to treat you somewhere you would like.”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin’s ears perked up with the thought off free food. “Really, Unnie?”</p><p> </p><p>But most of all, Yujin didn’t think that someone would be bothered by her absence. She honestly thinks that no one had missed her presence around but here is Chaewon, telling her that she missed her. How could Yujin even break it to her gently that she needs to staring preparing herself or else she’ll miss Yujin every day after the disease had taken it’s full course on her body?</p><p> </p><p>“Yep.” Chaewon giggled as they continue to walk towards their destination. “I need you to be well, Yujin-ah.”</p><p> </p><p><em>Why bother missing me? Why bother looking for me? I’ll soon be gone anyway. </em>These are words that she can never have the confidence to even say. “Why, Unnie?”</p><p> </p><p>“Haven’t I told you before that I see you as my little sister and that’s why I’m taking good care of you,” Chaewon muttered. “It just sucks that I’m the only child of my family and I don’t have any little sibling to take care of. But then you pass as one.”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin still doesn’t get why Chaewon just simply adopted her right from the start. It was peculiar to Yujin for most people would just leave her be but Chaewon doesn’t faze even when Yujin feels introverted most of the time and would just want to stay in her apartment walls. The older girl is used to her being blunt, timid, and to being stubborn at times. And she’s thankful that Chaewon doesn’t mind her being herself.</p><p> </p><p>“And also, my mom misses you.” Chaewon chuckled. “She kept telling me to bring you back home and remind you to eat proper food and not rely on instant food.”</p><p> </p><p>“Now that you’ve said it, I do miss aunt’s cooking.” Yujin muttered as they took a turn and it was all too familiar to her. It was the street where the tteokbokki shop can be found.</p><p> </p><p>As soon as they entered the shop, they were greeted by the scent of spicy food lingering in the air. It was enough to make Yujin’s mouth water as they ordered their food and anticipate for it. This is one of the things that they learned to spend time with, of eating good food and talk about different things.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin is sure that this, spending time with her sunbae and adopted older sister, Chaewon, will be one of the people that she will miss. She’ll miss talking to her about random stuff and tell her stories about Wonyoung too. She’s the only person Yujin can talk about Wonyoung but she doesn’t include telling her about the hanahaki disease that she got.</p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t think she could ever tell her that information. She knows that Chaewon is fragile hearted and she would probably cry for her too. And Yujin doesn’t want her to cry and be sad. <em>I don’t want any of them to feel lonely after I...</em></p><p>
  
</p><p>Yujin’s thoughts were immediately cut when she felt a sudden pang in her chest as it tightened and hurt her. She could feel another petal stuck inside her throat just when she thought that she would be fine the entire time she’s with Chaewon. As if on autopilot, her hand reached for her handkerchief and there she coughed until the petals were expelled from her body. Her throat was a little too dry for comfort yet the pain had subsided.</p><p> </p><p>Chaewon immediately stood up and went to get some water for Yujin. “Here. Drink up.”</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you, Unnie.” Yujin muttered, putting the half-empty glass of water on the table.</p><p> </p><p>“That was some coughing fit you got there.” Chaewon eyed Yujin. “Have you gone to the hospital and gotten yourself a check-up?”</p><p> </p><p>“I haven’t yet Unnie but I’ll go there soon.”</p><p> </p><p>“You better. Do you want me to accompany you?” Chaewon offered. “I know a relative who’s a doctor.”</p><p> </p><p>“There’s no need for that Unnie. I’ll go by myself.” Yujin reassured the older. “I missed eating tteokbokki here.” Yujin said in hopes to change Chaewon’s attention.</p><p> </p><p>“It really has been a while since the last time we’ve eaten here.” Chaewon said as she recalled the last time they went here which was almost a month ago when they weren’t too busy with their respective paper works.</p><p> </p><p>Shortly after their food arrived, that is consisted of tteokbokki and corndogs. Chaewon only kept silent but she had also observed that the younger had lost some weight over the course of three days and also the bags under her eyes don’t seem healthy looking<em>. </em>“Eat well, Yujin-ah.” Chaewon reminded.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin smiled but her smile did not reach her eyes. “Of course, Unnie. I won’t let this treat of yours go to waste.” If she’s being honest, her appetite is beginning to decrease with her throat aching whenever she eats but, she’ll take this pain if it means that she’ll get to spend time with the people she loves more.</p><p> </p><p>She looked at Chaewon, who was currently sipping on her coke. “What?” Chaewon muttered.</p><p> </p><p>“Nothing.” Yujin said as she smiled before taking a spoonful of tteokbokki into her mouth.</p><p> </p><p>Chaewon looked at her with eyebrows furrowed; feeling a little weirded out by how the younger is acting. “There’s nothing funny on my face, isn’t it?”</p><p> </p><p>“I’d tell you, Unnie if there were.” Yujin said as she thought that little moments likes this make her feel that nothing is wrong. That everything is fine.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I’ll be fine.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>---</strong>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>November 19, 20*1</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>It was still early yet Yujin already feels like shit.</p><p> </p><p>She woke up earlier than what she had set on her alarm, all because of a bad dream. Lately, she has been dreaming of different sorts of nightmares but tonight, it felt real. In her dream, she was in the middle of an ocean, with the sun glaring at her. To her, it felt like she had been floating in the water for hours until the blue sky were replaced with dark grey clouds and thunder could be heard. It rained hard and the harsh waves made her submerge under the water.</p><p> </p><p>She tried to rise up above the water but no matter how hard she tries, the water only pulls her back. The scene changed and she was inside a house and she saw a glimpse of someone who was coughing flowers. Even if it wasn’t her, she could feel the branches clinging on her lungs tightly, pricking her chest, and petals blocking her airways.</p><p> </p><p>What happened next is that she woke up to sitting up straight while feeling suffocated. She coughed so hard that her throat felt dry afterwards. And there on her palm lay two soft pink petals.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>This day hasn’t even started yet but I hate it already.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>As soon as she finished studying, she ate her dinner and went to the apartment building’s rooftop, taking her padding with her. It wasn’t like she planned to do this right after school ended. She just needed to clear her mind right now. And being enclosed with her apartment is making her feel lonely and suffocated.</p><p> </p><p>She had always liked being alone but certainly not feeling lonely. Not when she feels like this is her fault, which these flowers were a punishment for loving someone wholeheartedly, and she’s not entirely willing to feel this. She only wants to love but why is she feeling pain instead? Did she do a lot of things wrongly in her past life? Is this karma? Is this what a person like her deserves to feel? To feel immense pain on the act of love?</p><p> </p><p>She shook her head to remove the thoughts as she opened the door to the rooftop. It was empty. It was gloomy with no source of light but the light pollution of the city is glowing. Yet she can feel the cold wind blowing against her face. It was better to feel this much air than feel nothing at all.</p><p> </p><p>She turned on her phone’s flashlight as she walked over puddles towards the railings. And as soon as she got there, she looked down to see just how high the building is, with at least 20 floors far towards the horizon. The sun had long set and the moon rose up towards the heavens, no stars were decorating the sky. It’s just the moon and her.</p><p> </p><p>She’s grateful that she had seen the fair moon again. But she hasn’t looked at it that much ever since classes started.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin has always liked celestial bodies. It was one of the things that made her like science more than math. She’s always active and interested whenever the topic of cosmos is being discussed at class. It makes her excited whenever she thought of being able to see the moon in person or even simply of going to the outer space and feel that there’s no gravity that will pull her to the ground. She likes the thought of being free from the things that bind her to fall.</p><p> </p><p>But being free from gravity is a dream that will never come true. Not when she’s chained to the ground and has these feelings for someone who will and can never reciprocate her feelings, and be punished with these flowers growing inside her chest. What can she even do? Not even being free from gravity could ever save her from falling for Wonyoung.</p><p> </p><p><em>The moon and her two sides, the bright and the dark one.</em> Yujin thought as she gazed at the beautiful moon.</p><p> </p><p>She had always wanted to reach it when she was still a child. It had always been enigmatic and its beauty was magnetizing her towards it. Her arm involuntarily reached out until the moon was obscured by the back of her hand. She slowly closed her fist, as if she held the moon on her hand.</p><p> </p><p>She shook her head as she thought that the moon would never hear her wishes and wailings. The moon is a heavenly object and not a wish granting being. But if it were, Yujin would, no doubt, wish for something.</p><p> </p><p>Wonyoung wasn’t around today at school. She called in sick and Yujin thought that it would make the flowers stop hurting her even if it was just for a day. But Yujin was wrong. The branches kept on hurting especially that Wonyoung is nowhere to be seen. She longed for Wonyoung’s presence in the room and there wasn’t a time when she didn’t look at Wonyoung’s seat.</p><p> </p><p>To Yujin, it felt like a slow and painful death.</p><p> </p><p>As if to make her mind distracted from thinking about it, her phone rang. She looked at it and it was a message from Wonyoung, asking if she could borrow Yujin’s notes. Yujin timidly replied a “yes, of course.”</p><p> </p><p>She put her phone on airplane mode afterwards. She doesn’t want anyone to bother her anymore, not even the person she longs for.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re pretty to look at. Stunning, even, but it hurts.” Yujin whispered to the wind, looking down on the ground, as she felt her chest tighten, with one person inside her mind. “I love you but these flowers inside me are hurting me because of the love I have for you.”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin badly wanted to scream her frustrations towards everything that ever existed and she doesn’t care if someone would hear her on this neighborhood. She wanted to let out her frustrations on this life because it doesn’t make sense. Everything doesn’t make sense at all.</p><p> </p><p>Every day, she tries to put up a mask with the people around her. She makes them think that she’s fine. They think that everything is okay. That nothing is going to go wrong. And keeping an act for a long time is taking a toll on Yujin.</p><p> </p><p>The weight on her shoulder was heavy, and she has no other choice but to carry it for as long as she lives.</p><p> </p><p>“I HATE IT!” She shouted to no one in particular. Her tears getting blurry as she leaned on the railings before letting the tears fall from the side of her eyes. She was hurt. She is hurting. And she’ll continue to get hurt by these damned flowers inside of her.</p><p> </p><p>But she doesn’t really hate the flowers or the person. She only hates the situation that she’s in.</p><p> </p><p>“I only wanted to love her, even if in silence. But why the hell did flowers grow inside me instead?” She wailed, letting her emotions out as if crying silently to her pillow almost every night wasn’t enough.</p><p> </p><p>“As much as I want to hate cherry blossoms and its petals, I can’t.” Yujin felt the itch on her throat, a telltale sign that a cough will soon shake through her body. She coughed, getting used to the pain these petals give to her. She looked at the petal on her palm. “How could I when these little things are proof that I have loved and longed for her with my entire heart.”</p><p> </p><p>This was her decision, to keep it all in. And that’s why she knows that she is not in any position to even complain. But even if she’d bottle these emotions inside, there is really a time when these pent up feelings will be unable to be contained inside a bottle and simply explode.</p><p> </p><p>This night was that time.</p><p> </p><p>Tiny drops of tears trickled down the smooth surface of her skin, dropping down onto the cold railing of the rooftop, and some fell down to the damp pavement. All the lying got to her. All the secrets she’s trying to hide. If this is a way of life making sure she gets karma after all the pretending, she thinks that maybe she does deserve it.</p><p> </p><p>She cried once more for a love that will never become hers, for the person whom her heart beats and bleeds.</p><p> </p><p>When she regained composure, she once again looked at the moon; she wiped her tears and dried her face. “She’s prettier than you, much more interesting than you. And I love her more than you. I don’t think this lifetime alone would be enough to tell her and make her know that I love her, especially now that my lifetime is cut short.”</p><p> </p><p>With no one to talk to, she turned to talk to the moon. Her only companion for this cold and lonely Monday night and she talked for a while. She told the moon why she loves her. The little things that made her heart flutter. The things they did together. How the person she loves fell for another although talking about it made her heart sting. And of how she’s getting hurt physically but she still goes on with loving her despite it.</p><p> </p><p>She talked to the moon about Wonyoung with hope and longing in her eyes. Her intentions were as pure as the soft pink petals. She looked at the petals she let go from the rooftop, drifting and swaying with the wind, wishing that it was as easy as letting these feelings go just like how the let go of the petals.</p><p> </p><p>Yet she will always choose to hold on with these feelings no matter how stupid it may sound. All because she loves her.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m dying.” The two words felt heavy even for her. Even if she wants to convince herself that she’s ready for what’s going to happen to her, she still wants to be a little selfish and stay a bit longer than this.</p><p> </p><p>She still wants to travel the world, even if it’s just by herself. She still wants to reach her dream job just before she dies. She still wants to do a lot of things that are on her bucket list. She still wants to see her parents become proud of her. She still wants to laugh with her friends and have fun with them even if they are already on the working class of the society.</p><p> </p><p>And most of all, Yujin still wants to see her and love her a bit longer than this, even if it meant loving her is to love her quietly and without any intention of wrecking their relationship.</p><p> </p><p>She weakly smiled, thinking that there weren’t much she did in this life. She wants to live more and do more in life but then…</p><p> </p><p>“If you are listening to me and if you do grant wishes,” Yujin gazed at the moon. “Please let me live more. If it won’t be granted, I wish to meet her again on my other lifetimes. Give me the chance to love her in every life I get to spend in this world. I swear to love her as long as the moon and the sun exist.”</p><p> </p><p>No one saw how her eyes were sparkling under the moonlit sky. No one saw how the tears glistened as it trickled down her delicate and down casted face again for the nth time today. No one saw how she cried and pleaded to the moon. No one else saw how she suffered and coughed petals that night. No one saw how sweet her smile was as she swore to the melancholic moon.</p><p> </p><p>It was only her, with the feelings that she have and the petals around, with the moon still looking pretty above, as she glanced at its way for the final time tonight before retreating back to her room. Feeling a lot better than how she felt before going up the rooftop.</p><p> </p><p>“What if the moon really grants wishes?”</p><p> </p><p>She shook her head lightly as she closed the door to her room. “It won’t happen,” she said but in her heart she wishes that the moon does.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>November 20, 20*1</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Everything was quiet, if not for the sound of the pen coming in contact with the paper that can be subtly heard inside Yujin’s room. Yujin had taken comfort into spilling the thoughts that she has into a piece of paper, where it could be easily ripped if it was negative or she could keep it if it were positive.</p><p> </p><p>She had recently read a book where the character took a book or magazine and read paragraphs and cut out every word that has a negative connotation and just left the positive ones. She wanted to do that too to create a paragraph in a book that would completely change its meaning and there will only be good things left.</p><p> </p><p>And she needed that type of positivity in her life right now.</p><p> </p><p>But as much as she wanted to do that, she doesn’t want to vandalize the books on her shelf. She still wants to see the bad parts as much as the good parts for that’s what makes it whole.</p><p> </p><p>Just like her.</p><p> </p><p>Just like how the hanahaki disease had somehow became a part of her bigger picture. Like how she knows there are things she does well like knitting and running. Like how she’s living with love while feeling pain for the person she loves. And she’s here to feel it all. She won’t dare skip any page or chapter in this book called life just because there were bad parts.</p><p> </p><p>In what she have written, there were parts she wanted to erase, some words she wants to change, some words she wants to cross out, and some that were painfully beautiful to look at. Yet she didn’t bother changing, erasing, or crossing them out. She let it be.</p><p> </p><p><em>This is love. All the pain and suffering I’m feeling is rooted from my love. And this is fine.</em> She thought.</p><p> </p><p>She sighed as she re-read what she wrote down. This is her most vulnerable form. The thoughts that were spilled, emotions that were hidden, things that she lied about, she told it all. There’s no point at all if she weren’t to come clean at some point. She knows that it has to be done someday and that day happened to be today.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>One down, more to go.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Yujin heard her cellphone rang yet she only ignored it as she opened her drawer and safely hid the neatly folded paper inside. She took out another piece of paper and held her pen and started to write again.</p><p> </p><p>The ringtone rang for the second time around and Yujin started to wonder who was calling. She was not expecting anyone to come around today for she was informed that everyone was pretty busy on their respective households or they probably went on a date with their partners.</p><p> </p><p>Out of nowhere, pain struck her. Her ribs starting to hurt like a bitch and she succumbed to coughing, feeling her ribs contract inside agonizingly.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin, with her remaining strength, got up from her seat and went to the bathroom. And there she coughed even if it feels like it ripping her chest out. She coughed out petal after petal after petal until she eventually lost count of how many petals were there.</p><p> </p><p>She feels heavy and she was thinking of just lying there on her bathroom floor until she heard her phone ring again. She’s thankful to the person who was calling for making her go back to her senses.</p><p> </p><p>She went back and checked her phone that was on her bed. <em>Chaewon-unnie</em> says the caller ID. Yujin picked up the phone and answered it.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey Yuj, I’m near your apartment now. Do you mind opening your door for me? I’ve got some stuff for you.” Chaewon said on the other line.</p><p> </p><p>“Like right now?” Yujin said in disbelief. She wasn’t expecting anyone right now. She looked at her apartment and saw that it was a mess. There were crumpled papers, some cut outs from magazines, failed paper cranes, and there were used cup noodles on her dining table. It would have been a shame to let Chaewon view this chaos.</p><p> </p><p>“Uhh yeah.” Chaewon muttered. “I’ll be there in like 5.” Chaewon announced before cutting off the line.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin didn’t waste time on cleaning her apartment and make it look like that there’s a human who lives there. She picked up every trash and put it on where they belong. And in no time, she was done cleaning up.</p><p> </p><p>“Why the sudden visit?” Yujin asked as she let Chaewon and followed her onto the small dining area.</p><p> </p><p>“My mom wanted me to bring her home cooked food for you because I mentioned that you missed it.” Chaewon said, putting the paper bags she brought on Yujin’s dining table. She started to bring out the food containers and put them on Yujin’s fridge. “There are some notes here too on how to prepare them.”</p><p> </p><p>There were a lot of food containers that Chaewon brought out of the paper bag. It didn’t seem to end for Yujin and she felt really ashamed that she couldn’t bring herself to cook her own meals most of the time and settles only with instant food with the way that her schedule is at school. And now she’s not even eating properly now with the flower growing inside of her and it sucks not being able to eat as she used to do.</p><p> </p><p>“That could last me an entire month.” Yujin sighed. “That’s too much Unnie. You should bring some to your dorm at uni.”</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t have to worry about me kid. I’ve already got mine covered.” Chaewon muttered, organizing Yujin’s fridge. “Eat on time and eat well, Yujinnie.”</p><p> </p><p>“You worry too much about me, Unnie.” Yujin whispered but it was still audible to Chaewon.</p><p> </p><p>Chaewon turned to look at Yujin. “I told her that you lost some weight because you got sick and we, my mom and I included, want to do this because we want you to be well. You’re part of our family too, you know?”</p><p> </p><p>And as if on cue, Yujin felt a pain strike her chest. She coughed while covering her mouth and thankfully, there were no petals that got onto her palm.</p><p> </p><p>“Did you go to the hospital as you promised?” Chaewon looked at Yujin judgingly as the younger meekly nodded. “What did they tell you?”</p><p> </p><p>“To just rest and drink lots of water. It will soon go away the doctor said.”</p><p> </p><p>“They didn’t give you any medicine?”</p><p> </p><p>“None for that matter,” Yujin said.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay.” Chaewon said as finishing up. “Can I borrow your restroom for a minute? I need to…”</p><p> </p><p>“Go ahead, Unnie.” Yujin muttered, and as soon as she said that, Chaewon immediately went to the restroom. Yujin went to her study table, took out a piece of paper and started folding it.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin knows just how observant Chaewon is. The tiger like look on the older girl is never to be taken for granted. It is often aware if a person is lying and Yujin knows that she’s done for as soon as Chaewon came back from the restroom with a calm yet scrutinizing stare that seems like it know everything of her.</p><p> </p><p>“Tell me the truth Yujin.” Chaewon said, her voice full of finality.</p><p> </p><p>“What truth?”</p><p> </p><p>“Behind the petals on your restroom bin and those petals under your study table,” Chaewon muttered. She had never liked it whenever someone lies to her face. And she needs to know what the truth is, no matter how hard it may be to take in. She doesn’t want to feed on the fabricated reality that Yujin had put up with the people around her.</p><p> </p><p>She was not a fool that is easily deceived by words. For the rest of the week that she had been hanging out with Yujin, she eventually became too suspicious of how Yujin acts whenever she coughs. There was a time when she accidentally saw a light colored petal that got into Yujin’s pocket aside from her hand. And that was when her wary rose up.</p><p> </p><p>She wasn’t stupid and she had heard of people that died of because of a disease that causes flowers to grow inside someone’s chest, starting from the heart and growing until it occupies the lungs and makes it hard for the person to breathe as it clutches tightly on its host.</p><p> </p><p>It wasn’t until today that she had put piece by piece together for the truth. She went to the restroom for a break when she saw some petals lying on the floor just beside the bin. She took a closer look at the bin and saw that there were more petals that were all too familiar to her. It was hard for her to keep the tears in for she wanted to cry as soon as she saw them.</p><p> </p><p>Because cherry blossoms never bloom in autumn.</p><p> </p><p>And when Yujin didn’t speak up and chose to avert her gaze from her, Chaewon’s heart is aching to see and know that Yujin is suffering like this. Because now, she’s highly aware that the younger’s silence is louder than any type of noise. It’s loud enough that it’s deafening Chaewon.</p><p> </p><p>“Since when?” Chaewon muttered as she found her voice and the strength to have this conversation with Yujin. She swallowed the lump on her throat first before continuing, “Since when did you have the hanahaki disease?”</p><p> </p><p>“More than a week ago,” Yujin said, looking at the floor. She took a quick gaze at the petals on the floor and thought that it was pretty careless of her to let it lie there and not hide it.</p><p> </p><p>“And you didn’t even tell me?” Chaewon said, hurt obvious on her voice but it was still composed. “You don’t have to lie with me, Yujin. You can deceive other people with your lies but not me.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry.” Yujin muttered weakly, tears were starting to form on her eyes. “I don’t want you to worry.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’ve already done so much for me, Unnie. The least I could do is to make you lonely because of this disease.”</p><p> </p><p>“I could’ve been there from the start and you won’t have to carry this alone and keep it in. You’ve got me and you know that.” Chaewon said. “I could have done something to help you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Like what will you exactly do, Unnie? Tell Wonyoung that I have hanahaki just for her to leave Minju when they are just starting with their relationship? Wonyoung loving me out of pity just because I have this goddamn hanahaki that will never leave me? I don’t want that, Unnie.” Yujin paused. “I don’t want any of that.”</p><p> </p><p>Chaewon looked at Yujin with tears falling from her eyes, unable to speak with the sudden outburst of the younger.</p><p> </p><p>“If she’ll love me, I want her to love me because she loves me not because she pities me. Because pity will never ever equate to love. I also don’t want to wreck their relationship because that’s what makes her happy.” Yujin muttered. “She has found happiness with Minju and I respect that. I just really want her to be happy even if the reason for that happiness is not me. After all, she’s not mine to begin with.” Her tears began to fall.</p><p> </p><p>“How could you be so selfless yet selfish at the same time?”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s love, Unnie.” Yujin weakly smiled as she looked at the older. “I just love her so much that even if loving equates to pain, I’ll endure it because I need to feel it.”</p><p> </p><p>“The loving or the pain?”</p><p> </p><p>“Both.” Yujin replied. “You won’t know that you’ve truly loved a person until you’ve felt pain.”</p><p> </p><p>Chaewon shook her head first before she engulfed the younger into a hug. The young girl has suffered so much when her life is just about to begin. And there, as she held Yujin on her arms, she felt her shoulder getting wet with droplet of tears. Chaewon held on tightly on the younger, making sure that Yujin will feel that she’ll be there always for the girl as a friend, and as a confidant.</p><p> </p><p>They stayed like that for a while inside Yujin’s apartment walls, trying to comfort each other’s broken hearts, one from a love that won’t be reciprocated, and the other from feeling betrayed.</p><p> </p><p>“Is there something I could help you with?” Chaewon asked as she let Yujin go from her embrace when they have both calmed down.</p><p> </p><p>“Please don’t tell my parents yet nor anyone else.” Yujin pleaded. “I’ll tell my parents soon, I promise. But to our friends, please don’t. I don’t want them to worry.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay.” Chaewon uttered. “I understand.”</p><p> </p><p>“What if people ask what really happened?”</p><p> </p><p>“About that, I have a favor to ask you.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>November 21, 20*1</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“Let’s all take our brushes and start painting our subject.” The art teacher said to her class.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin shook her head as she took the brush before looking at the room she’s trapped in, with at least 10 other people, including the teacher.</p><p> </p><p>She had once tried drawing and painting for that matter, but it just simply wasn’t for her. However, taking an art class is something they had always wanted to do. And when they found a free art class last week, they just knew they had to attend it.</p><p> </p><p>She looked at her right side and saw Wonyoung with her encouraging look and lovely smile looking back at her before paying attention to the blank canvas in front. Yujin took it as an invitation to start painting the apple just like how the art teacher tells them to do.</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>“That was fun.” Wonyoung exclaimed as soon as they got out of the building.</p><p> </p><p>“I feel like I could be the next Pablo Picasso, now that I’ve taken art class.” Yujin said, as they continue walking along the busy streets of Seoul.</p><p> </p><p>“I would buy your first work.” Wonyoung said.</p><p> </p><p>“Really?” Yujin queried. “And would you put them up on your house walls?”</p><p> </p><p>“Of course, I would even boast to my house guests that it’s the work of my best friend, Yujin, the first of her name of house Ahn, queen of the extroverted introverts, and breaker of records.”</p><p> </p><p>“For the record, I did not break the vinyl, you know.” Yujin pouted. “I only dropped it but it did not tear into pieces.” It happened when they were at Wonyoung’s house and she was checking John Mayer’s vinyl record that Wonyoung owns when Wonyoung decided to surprise the life out of her. She happened to drop it but she thanks the heavens that the soft cushion of the bed caught it or else she’d have no choice but to replace it with another one.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m just kidding with you, Yujinnie.” Wonyoung heartily chuckled. “Loosen up.”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin rolled her eyes with Wonyoung’s statement. “Where to next?”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin doesn’t really have any idea on what the younger wants to accomplish next. All they know is that the art class ended way too early that they just won’t go home yet. The sun was up unlike the past few days where it kept raining. Today was a pretty nice day to spend outdoors.</p><p> </p><p>“Let’s go to Han river.” Wonyoung said without batting an eye, making Yujin stop in her tracks.</p><p> </p><p>“Right now?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, right now.”</p><p> </p><p>Before Yujin could even protest, Wonyoung already took Yujin’s wrist and headed to the nearest subway station. They weren’t exactly running, but they weren’t walking either. They were simply walking fast, way too fast that Yujin needed to catch her breath and rest her legs by sitting on one of the stools as soon as they got into the station, while Wonyoung stood there looking at Yujin strangely.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re easily tired lately, Yujin.” Wonyoung said, taking the seat next to her friend. “Is this still because of your coughs and cold?”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin smiled apologetically. “Maybe,” she said as she gazed at the younger as she tucked the lose hair behind her ear. <em>This is the person whom my heart decided to love. The person who hurt me unknowingly yet I still love her unconditionally.</em></p><p> </p><p>“Maybe we shouldn’t go to Han River, after all.” Wonyoung suddenly announced. “Your condition might get worse if we did.”</p><p> </p><p>“No, we should go today.” Yujin said with finality. She only wants to be able to spend more time with the younger, and seeing the scenic view at Han River is more than enough for her and her already broken heart. <em>Maybe just maybe it would be fine for my heart to have fun even if this is just some borrowed moment with her. </em>“I’m drinking my medicine on time so I’ll be fine. I swear.”</p><p> </p><p>Wonyoung looked at her questioningly. “Are you sure?”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin enthusiastically nodded.</p><p> </p><p>“We could take some breaks anyway if any of us get tired of walking.” Wonyoung said, giving in to Yujin. She could never resist the way Yujin looked at her as if it was a puppy begging for some treats. And it was fulfilling to her part to see her best friend look so bright. It made her feel at ease as if nothing bad would ever happen to them.</p><p> </p><p>As soon as the train arrived, they got into it, and chose to sit near the door for entire ride. The train wasn’t as packed for there were still other passengers; after all, it isn’t rush hour yet.</p><p> </p><p>Wonyoung sat with Yujin on her right and a pole to her left. She was about to rest her head on the pole but Yujin beat her to it. The older girl slowly guided her head to lean towards her shoulder. Not that Wonyoung was complaining but she was concerned that maybe it would be too much for her best friend.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin heard Wonyoung sigh, making her open her eyes. “What’s wrong?” She whispered.</p><p> </p><p>“Nothing,” Wonyoung said.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you sure?” Yujin questioned. “That sigh was pretty heavy, if you ask me.”</p><p> </p><p>“But I’m not asking you.” Wonyoung said in a lighthearted tone. And Yujin is used to the younger being snarky, even if it’s unintentional.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, then. Wake me up when we’re already at the station.” She sighed, as she closed her eyes again.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay.” Wonyoung muttered. She waited for a while, making sure that Yujin was fast asleep, before she sat up straight and made Yujin lean onto her shoulder instead. Wonyoung smiled to herself as she shook her head. “You’re really a giant baby, just like how Chaewon says.” Wonyoung whispered to herself.</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>“Do you even know how to ride a bike?” Yujin asked Wonyoung. They were a few meters away at a bike rental when they decided to bicker on what they want to do. Yujin wanted to just walk but Wonyoung wanted to enjoy the scenery by riding through it.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you take me for someone who wasn’t taught how to ride one when I was a kid?”</p><p> </p><p>“And what if I do?”</p><p> </p><p>“No you don’t.” Wonyoung defensively said. “I know how to ride a bicycle.” She pouted.</p><p> </p><p>“Really?” Yujin scrutinized. “I could be the one pedaling while you sit still on the back.”</p><p> </p><p>“No. I want to be the one who does the pedaling.”</p><p> </p><p>“But---“ Yujin couldn’t even finish her own sentence because her throat decided to act up just as when she was about to put down her arguments. She coughed but thankfully there weren’t any flowers, yet it was still painful for her.</p><p> </p><p>“See. This is why I should do the pedaling while you just sit still and look pretty on the carrier seat.”</p><p> </p><p>As soon as Yujin’s coughing fit was over, she glared as Wonyoung. “Fine. You win today but next time I will be the one who’ll do the pedaling while you sit still and look pretty at the back.” <em>Next time is such a pretty thought.</em></p><p> </p><p>“Sure. As long as your coughs and colds are gone, I’ll let you take the lead.”</p><p> </p><p>They rented a bicycle together and put on their helmets as Wonyoung was on front, leading the both of them, and Yujin sat at the carrier.</p><p> </p><p>Before riding the bicycle, Yujin had already put on her mask. It was a fool proof way of making sure that none of the flowers will get littered on any of the pavement at Han River. She came to learn the benefits masks could give her around last week when the dust level was high and she needed to wear mask. She didn’t need to go to the restroom ever so often unlike when she isn’t wearing one.</p><p> </p><p>“Make sure to hold on to me.” Wonyoung said.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin immediately followed as she gripped on the side of Wonyoung’s shirt. She doesn’t want to fall off from the bicycle for it would be pretty embarrassing. She was about to ask Wonyoung if they aren’t going to be biking around Han River yet because the clock is ticking, and an hour could easily pass them by, when Wonyoung took both of her hands and made it wrap around her waist.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not like we’re riding a damn motorcycle, Wonyoung.” Yujin said, trying to mask the close proximity of them as fine with her heart but it wasn’t. It was beating loud against her ears</p><p> </p><p>“Unless you want to fall off Yujin, then go and just hold onto a piece of clothing.” Wonyoung said feeling a little annoyed.</p><p> </p><p>“Just kidding, I’ll hold onto you for dear life.” Yujin conformed. Yujin smiled to herself though it’s hidden by her facemask and she can’t be seen by Wonyoung.</p><p> </p><p>The younger started pedaling and it was making Yujin think of the movies and dramas that had this type of scene before. She remembered just how envious she was for them feeling this type of euphoria, with feeling love, and simply having a close proximity with the person they love. Yet here she is, feeling it firsthand with her first love and at the same time her first heartbreak.</p><p> </p><p>She held tightly onto Wonyoung, thinking that everything is fine. Even for just a little bit of borrowed time, this is fine. Great, even. It’s great to spend a day with the person you love. It’s great to feel their warmth even just for a short period. It’s great being close to them. Everything is great and she’s currently living in the moment.</p><p> </p><p>She made her eyes stay open as they rode through the park and see the view, she slowly leaned her head towards the younger’s back. She smiled as she never thought that she would do this subtle movement. Yujin inwardly sighed as she thought that this would be the last time they’d go out together. The last time they’d have fun together.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin thinks that it’s funny how she’s enjoying the moment for a second and then immediately changes the course of her thoughts. But who knows, maybe there is still a next time.</p><p> </p><p>And then, their ride slowly halted to a stop. Yujin immediately removed her hands off the younger’s waist and stood up. In front of them were the river and the railings, and behind them was the busy city at its peak.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin was about to take off her mask when she felt the telltale sign of a cough will make her throat dry and voice rasp. Itch and pain is always present whenever she is about to cough out petals. She tried to silently let the petal out of her airway but she needed to exert more force. Wonyoung only stood there looking at her worriedly, just like the very first time it happened.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you sure you’re fine?” Wonyoung felt restless by just looking at her bestfriend. “Your coughs aren’t getting any better. Are you even drinking your medicine properly?”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine, Wonyoung. Also, I drink the prescribed medicine right on the dot.” Yujin brightly smiled just so Wonyoung won’t get worried about her anymore, even if her throat and ribs are killing her. “Don’t worry about me too much.”</p><p> </p><p>Wonyoung looked at Yujin with a questioning look but decided not to say anything further. Realizing that she won’t be able to fish any information out of the older girl, she gazed at the river, at the distorted reflection of the soon setting sun and the dull colored clouds, as she feel herself wallowing inside her own thoughts.</p><p> </p><p>Breaking the silence and the still of the moment was hard for Yujin. The scene was just too perfect to even speak. She was afraid that if she speaks, she would eventually wake up from this dream called today. <em>If this is a dream, I don’t want to wake up.</em></p><p> </p><p>Yet, of course, this is reality. And the things that happen in real life are always different than those in the dramas and stories we’re used to see and read.</p><p> </p><p>The stillness of the moment was broken by just a simple ringtone. Yujin didn’t even have to think twice to know who the caller was. It was obvious.</p><p> </p><p>Everything that happened next was just a blur. All that Yujin knew was they’re riding back towards the bicycle rental to return the bike. Wonyoung said some words earlier but those same words fell on deaf ears because all that Yujin could concentrate on were Wonyoung’s beautiful orbs. She did remember nodding a few times to what the younger was saying and that’s it.</p><p> </p><p>And so, when Wonyoung bid goodbye to her and went on her way alone, Yujin was left looking at the brunette’s back walking away from her, leaving her for the second time.</p><p> </p><p>Her eyesight suddenly turned blurry and all she could feel was the growing pain inside her chest. She did her best not to collapse in the middle of a busy street while coughing out flowers. Strangers doesn’t need to know what it is that she’s suffering from and she needs to get away from this place as soon as possible. She immediately thought of the closest places she could go to and all she could think was her parents’ house.</p><p> </p><p>She took every ounce of strength left inside of her just to ride the subway and travel to their house. She forgot how she survived the train and bus ride without collapsing and falling asleep yet as soon as she arrived at their doorstep, with her mom opening the door wide enough for the two of them, everything turned to black.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>November 26, 20*1</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Yujin saw posters of iron man, avengers, and even harry potter on the walls as soon as she opened her eyes. She looked around and saw hues of pastel blue that reminds her of the sky. Soon after, she heard a knock on her door and a faint voice telling her to eat the food by the table on her bedside.</p><p> </p><p>She only gazed at her breakfast that seemingly consists of unsweetened greek yoghurt and banana. Feeling a little out of the weather, she went back to lying down under her covers and her mind went back to the things that happened for the past few days.</p><p> </p><p>After Yujin fell on her mother’s arms, she woke up the next morning on the couch with her mother looking after her. She was about to go to school remembering that it’s a Monday morning but her mother prompted her to just stay and rest. Yujin was about to argue about being worried on getting behind in class but her head was pounding and her chest was aching. She heeded her mother and stayed in for the rest of the day.</p><p> </p><p>The entire day, Yujin thought that it was strange for her mom wasn’t asking anything. No questions about where Yujin went that day or what happened to her or trying to know why she fainted. It was an elephant inside the room, and her mother danced around it.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin can’t bear to see the look on her mother’s face if she’ll say it to her then and that’s why she kept mum first.</p><p> </p><p>Until yesterday, her secret was known.</p><p> </p><p>Her parents went to her apartment in the evening to check in on their daughter if she’s doing fine and if she ever needs to have a check-up after fainting. It just so happened that Yujin wasn’t answering the door and thankfully (unfortunately for Yujin), her parents have a spare key. They got in and checked if Yujin was inside and she was. Yujin felt silly leaving the door opened for the saw her on the sink, coughing out a flower bud with blood near to its middle.</p><p> </p><p>It was the first flower bud she has ever coughed out and to think that her parents especially her mother saw that, she believes that it wasn’t just a coincidence. Maybe the universe is now helping her break it to her parents gently. But she knows that the pain of losing someone is never gentle.</p><p> </p><p>After seeing it unfold before her eyes, Yujin’s mother went on to pack Yujin’s stuff and told her husband that Yujin will not go to school tomorrow or the succeeding days. Yujin only watched as her father nodded in agreement while she stood frozen on her place.</p><p> </p><p>She argued about how she doesn’t want to go home yet but at that moment, her mother used the tone that speaks of authority. Feeling afraid if her mother’s becomes angry, Yujin was left to no choice but to succumb to her mother’s decision. She ought to help her mother but she was told to just wait inside their car and that her mother can do it alone. Yujin ended up taking only what she thought was necessary (to keep and to hide) and didn’t speak a word from the car ride and even until they got home.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin remembers feeling like a little kid who got scolded as she made her way to her room last night. It was the same thing that she used to do; staying inside the confines of her room until she feels better or when they call her to eat. She was doing well on staying inside and staying up until she recalls not eating dinner and immediately felt hungry.</p><p> </p><p>She went down and halted on the stairs when she heard her parents talking inside the living room. She doesn’t want to intrude them or to think that she wants to eat now. But to get to their kitchen she needs to pass by their living room. Feeling hopeless, she turned around to go back to her room but she heard her father say the word “hanahaki”. It made her feel guilty and she immediately retreated back to her room.</p><p> </p><p>Under her covers, she stared while looking at her ceiling that’s decorated with glow in the dark stars. She looked at it and thought of how celestial bodies are pretty even if the ones inside her room are faux. And that’s when she heard it; her mother softly weeping outside her room and her father quietly comforting her mother as they walk away from her room.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin might not be able to see them cry but hearing them also made her heart tear apart.</p><p> </p><p>“Can I come in?” Her mother said after knocking three times on the door. Yujin didn’t bother replying because after a few seconds her mother opened the door and went inside her room.</p><p> </p><p>Yujin fixed her seat on the bed as she looked at her mother who’s gazing outside the window. None of them was talking and the faint music coming from downstairs can be heard.</p><p> </p><p>“You still haven’t eaten your breakfast.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not hungry.” Yujin said.</p><p> </p><p>Her mother sighed, sitting beside Yujin. “Do you know the reason why I took care of flowers in our backyard?”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin slowly slouched against the headboard and shook her head.</p><p> </p><p>“My younger brother loved flowers. It was the one thing that he loved so much aside from her. And it was his wish to have a pretty garden someday. He also had a green thumb you know.” Her mother looked at her with gentle and caring eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“What happened to him?”</p><p> </p><p>“He felt too much for someone who couldn’t return the same emotions.” Yujin felt her mother’s warm hand on top of her own. “And every time I look at our garden it reminds me of him and how painful it was to see someone you love go through all that pain. I just didn’t think that it would happen to you too.”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin fell silent. She didn’t know that part. All she knew about was she had an uncle who died long before she was even born into the world. She had no idea of the darkness her mother struggled with. And she’s going to be one of the reasons why her mother will get sad again.</p><p> </p><p>The guilt is eating her up inside.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m so---“</p><p> </p><p>“Do you want to have a surgery?”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin shook her head no. “It’s costly, Ma. We can’t afford that luxury. And even if we do, I still won’t choose to have one.”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin’s mother nodded in acknowledgement, engaging in the conversation in a very calm demeanor. She cried everything that there is to cry and that there’s no reason to be emotional in front of her daughter. And she accepts her daughter’s decision, even if she wanted her to take a surgery just to live a little longer.</p><p> </p><p>Right now, needs to be strong for Yujin even if it breaks her that she knows how this will end.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you happy?”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin couldn’t find the power to speak. The lump formed inside her throat is making it hard for her to even try to voice out anything; she’s sure that she’ll start crying the moment she speaks. She only smiled to deceive her mother once more. But tears immediately fell when she saw her mother holding back her own tears.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t want to say goodbye.” Yujin said in between sobs. She’s too young to even undergo such thing. It’s just too horrible even for someone like her. She doesn’t want to leave the people she loves behind.</p><p> </p><p>Her mother embraced Yujin tenderly, in hopes that a single hug could make up for the times that her child felt alone in that apartment. She doesn’t want her child to be alone and suffer alone like how her uncle went through. They only knew about it when he was already on his deathbed. She doesn’t want Yujin to suffer in loneliness until the end.</p><p> </p><p>What she wants for her child is to be happy until the end and she wants that to happen, even if she doesn’t know where to start and even if time is running out.</p><p> </p><p>And all she knows right now is to be there for her precious daughter, Ahn Yujin.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>November 30, 20*1</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Breathing is hard, especially when you have a flower growing inside your chest, you’ll realize that breathing is hard.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Yujin can feel the roots on her heart and the branches piercing her lungs in every breath that she takes. And sometimes flower buds were suffocating her. <em>Fuck breathing. </em>She thought. <em>Just kidding, I still have some time left and things to do.</em></p><p>
  
</p><p>Yujin thinks that it’s funny how certain emotions creep up behind you. But now that she knows better, it doesn’t just randomly creep up. They start off as seeds planted inside your heart without you knowing. They begin to grow every time you feed it with how you feel. And then before you know it, it has taken over your heart and then you’d think that it’s because it just randomly popped up out of nowhere, like a mushroom.</p><p> </p><p>But no, it’s a plant and if possible, you should be able to identify the rotten ones and take it out by its roots before it even blooms. Just to prevent some unwanted repercussions of the emotions that you have. But once it blooms and turns into a full grown plant, it’ll be harder to remove from your heart. It’ll slowly and painfully gain power over you, making you helpless. No one could possibly help you with that. Not even the person you are thinking of.</p><p> </p><p>She simply loves her too greatly that it’s making her hard to even verbalize the emotions she have for Wonyoung. All that she’s sure of is that she loves her until her last breath. And these cherry blossoms growing inside her chest is proof that she once has loved and that she once has lost.</p><p> </p><p>She sighed while taking a paper and carefully folded it into half. She kept on folding the paper to form creases until the thing that she wants to see is brought to life.</p><p> </p><p>“Yujin.” Her mother said from outside her doorway. “Someone is here to see you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Who?” Yujin said without looking at the door. She was busy making an origami on her study table and no one could distract her from doing it.</p><p> </p><p>“Me.”</p><p> </p><p>Yujin immediately looked at the door way and saw one of the people she terribly misses. Yujin’s face brightened up as the person walked towards her.</p><p> </p><p>“Chaewon-unnie,” Yujin said. “I miss you.”</p><p>
  
</p><p>“I miss you too giant baby.” Chaewon said, looking over Yujin’s side just to take a clearer view of what Yujin was busy doing. And it was one of the things that she saw on the younger’s desk the day she knew about the hanahaki.</p><p> </p><p>Chaewon took a seat on Yujin’s soft bed. “I brought you some snacks that you like.”</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you unnie but…” Yujin trailed off, looking at the nearly untouched lunch that she was supposed to have. Eating food and drinking is becoming a chore to her, swallowing the lumps of food is proven to be hard with the flower growing as days go by. As much as she’d like to take comfort with the taste of her favorite snacks, she couldn’t.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t you have classes right now?” Yujin thought as it’s a Monday and found that it was unusual that Chaewon is here visiting her right now.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve got free cut right now and my only class is at 4.” Chaewon explained, taking a good look of Yujin’s room even if she already got here last Saturday. And she knew that Yujin’s parents want their child to be happy during her final moments and that’s why for the past few days, they’ve been spending more time as a family and even went to a tourist spot with Chaewon since she got there just as when they were about to depart.</p><p> </p><p>Chaewon thinks that it was nice of Yujin’s parents to not let her go to school anymore and spend time with herself and family. But even so, Chaewon could still see some of those melancholy inside the younger’s eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“And you decided to see me on your free cut because?” Yujin raised an eyebrow, looking back at her unnie.</p><p> </p><p>“I wanted to see you.”</p><p> </p><p>“You wanted to see me because?”</p><p> </p><p>“I missed you.” Chaewon pouted.</p><p> </p><p>“You miss me because?”</p><p> </p><p>Feeling annoyed, Chaewon only glared at Yujin as a response. “I’m just kidding unnie.” Yujin smiled apologetically after having her fun.</p><p> </p><p>“Have you seen her?” Yujin’s voice was low and soft, almost careful and fragile. And she knows that Chaewon knows who she’s talking about.</p><p> </p><p>Chaewon doesn’t want to answer the question but Yujin’s pleading eyes were boring into her soul, making her feel that knowing about Wonyoung’s situation would at least alleviate Yujin’s condition. But Chaewon knows that it won’t and it doesn’t.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah. She’s fine.” Chaewon saw how Yujin smiled lightly and looked well, even if she’s not; pale face, enhanced cheekbone, weight loss, and the darkened space below the younger’s eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“I see.”</p><p> </p><p>Chaewon doesn’t want to spend the rest of the day talking about someone who’s happy and has someone to turn to, and as much as possible she wants to steer clear away from depressing topics around Yujin. “What’s your favorite marvel movie?” Chaewon asked.</p><p> </p><p>“Captain marvel.” Yujin said without blinking an eye.</p><p> </p><p>“But your posters say otherwise.” Chaewon teased, looking at the mostly spider-man posters.</p><p> </p><p>“That phase happened way before Captain Marvel was re---“</p><p> </p><p>Chaewon was just smiling while waiting for Yujin’s reply when Yujin couldn’t finish her sentence as the younger coughed so intensely and loud. Her hands were on her knees, her upper body leaning and slouching to her front, her hair were blocking her face. To her, it seemed like Yujin was suffocating while coughing, and although she was getting used to hear the sound of Yujin’s coughing, her intuition tells her that this coughing fit is different. Chaewon got on her knees and called for Yujin’s mom, who was just at the other room.</p><p> </p><p>Everything happened so fast that all Chaewon knew is that she’s shaking while standing by the door, looking at Yujin’s mother carrying the passed out Yujin on her arms. She couldn’t stop shaking after seeing the mother weep for her daughter. What tore her the most is the sight of a full bloomed cherry blossom on the floor that has blood on its middle part.</p><p> </p><p>She looked at that scene long enough that the picture burned inside her head. She’ll remember this for the rest of her life. She curses whichever being made hanahaki possible and for making Yujin suffer like this.</p><p> </p><p>She’s not one to limit a person’s capacity to live but she knows that Yujin’s time is almost up.</p><p> </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>Wonyoung has always been fond of flowers.</p><p> </p><p>She adored how pretty they are to look at on her mother’s garden and even when they are put on vases. She liked how soft their petals feel against her skin. She enjoyed seeing them bloom prettily during spring, their colors and petals decorating the streets. She was fond of their sweet fragrance. And she just loved them with all her heart.</p><p> </p><p>The very moment she saw cherry blossoms when they went out of the country when she was little, she fell in love with it. She loved how it sways and dances with the wind before falling onto the ground which magnetizes it. And at first glance, she felt gravitated towards the beauty of cherry blossoms.</p><p> </p><p>But upon seeing the flowers on the ground, just beside her best friend’s grave, makes her feel differently towards it.</p><p> </p><p>There was a strong urge to tear it apart. She wants to stomp on it and even throw it away, and if it was possible, she’d like to burn it. It just felt so wrong looking at their petals, decorating Yujin’s resting place as if it wasn’t the thing that caused her pain and her death. For Wonyoung, it was like an insult to someone who dislikes flowers.</p><p> </p><p>She learnt about Yujin’s disposition towards flowers when it was all too late.</p><p> </p><p>The moment Chaewon called her, crying with her voice shaking, Wonyoung know that something happened. She just didn’t know that it was that heavy. She recalls asking Chaewon if it was just a joke or a prank, because if it was, it was a bad prank. But when the older girl only continued to cry instead of bursting into laughter on the other side of the line, Wonyoung knew that it was indeed the cold truth.</p><p> </p><p>She ended up questioning Chaewon a lot. Some questions were answered and some weren’t and Wonyoung took whatever information was available because after all, they’re both grieving.</p><p> </p><p>When the older girl suddenly didn’t go to class without even telling her why and even a single message nor text has no reply, she was starting to think of different scenarios. She started to harbor ill feelings, that maybe their friendship wasn’t real or that she was a bad friend and that is why Yujin had to go without a reason.</p><p> </p><p>But now, she just feels silly and guilty of even thinking that. Of course, it isn’t Yujin if she just went off radar without a reason. And of course, it was because she was trying to keep her disease hidden and not make others worry about her. It was typical of her.</p><p> </p><p>She learnt that Yujin suffered alone for most of the time. But she died with a smile on her face as if she did everything that there is to be done. She came to know that the flowers growing inside Yujin were pretty but Chaewon didn’t specify which flower it was. She also learnt that Yujin actually doesn’t like flowers.</p><p> </p><p>She feels like she’s not deserving of the title of a best friend when she doesn’t even know that one simple fact about her best friend. There were still a lot of questions running through her mind. Like how much of it was fabricated by Yujin. Which of the things that she said were real and which one of them were lies?</p><p> </p><p>Both way, she doesn’t know the answer and she’ll never know it. All she knows is that Yujin is her best friend, her confidant, and somehow, her soulmate. As much as Wonyoung wants to deny it, there could probably no else in this world who could get her like Ahn Yujin. And when she died, it felt like there was a piece inside Wonyoung that died along with her.</p><p> </p><p>She used to believe that some things are better left unsaid but there are still things that needed answers. Who does she have to talk some sense into of not reciprocating her best friend’s love when she’s the best person out there for someone? Who did Yujin’s heart long for so much that it even ended this way? She wants to face them and have a talk and ask why did they not love someone who is so sweet, caring, and exquisite like Ahn Yujin.</p><p> </p><p>Wonyoung didn’t even realize the raindrops falling on top of her head and on her skin as she stood there looking at her best friend’s grave. No one ever imagined that this would even happen. And she remembers going to Yujin’s wake every after class and she saw Chaewon doing the same too even if she’s supposed to be going to her university.</p><p> </p><p>And sometimes, she could feel Yujin’s mother looking at her for a little longer than necessary but didn’t say a word to her. It makes her feel like she did something wrong but Chaewon assures her that there’s nothing wrong and it’s just the way Yujin’s mother gets familiar with her daughter’s best friend. Wonyoung didn’t asked anything further, afraid to offend anyone.</p><p> </p><p>“Why are you all soaked?”</p><p> </p><p>Wonyoung didn’t even realize that she’s not alone right now. She got too engrossed inside her own thoughts that she became oblivious to her surroundings.</p><p> </p><p>“I came here before it rained.” Wonyoung answered, without looking at Chaewon who’s standing beside her. “I forgot to bring an umbrella.”</p><p> </p><p>Chaewon nodded in understanding and covered Wonyoung’s head with an umbrella but it was pretty hard for her with her height. Wonyoung felt Chaewon struggling beside her and took the umbrella from Chaewon’s hand and held it for the two of them.</p><p> </p><p>Silence engulfed them as they look at Yujin’s resting place. It’s already spring but it still hurts Wonyoung that she wasn’t even to tell her best friend good bye. It hurts how she wasn’t able to let her best friend feel that she loves her. It hurts how she lost someone she cherishes and that her spot couldn’t be replaced by anyone new.</p><p> </p><p>“I miss that kid.” Chaewon said, breaking the silence. “Every single day.”</p><p> </p><p>“She left so many question unnie.”</p><p> </p><p>Chaewon smiled weakly and sighed. “You know, if there’s something you still need to know. She loved you.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know that. I’m her best friend.” Wonyoung stated.</p><p> </p><p>Chaewon gently shook her head. “She loved you more than that.”</p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p>Chaewon reached in inside her bag and handed Wonyoung an envelope and a crane. “Here.”</p><p> </p><p>“What’s this?” Wonyoung held the envelope and looked at its back to see the recipient and it was her, written in Yujin’s cute and neat penmanship.</p><p> </p><p>“Just open it and read it at home.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay?” Wonyoung said hesitantly but didn’t probe any further, afraid to push Chaewon’s buttons. She knows how much the brunette cares for Yujin and she’s wary that she might say the wrong things instead, and that’s why she just kept the questions to herself, thinking that maybe the envelope would have some answers even if it looks and feels like a goodbye letter from Ahn Yujin.</p><p> </p><p>The older girl stayed for some time while talking to her, reminiscing their moments with Yujin. How she brightly smiled, her cute laugh, her height, the way she views life. It was fun and light and they forgot about time. The rain had long stopped and the sun was out again when Chaewon decided to go home but left the umbrella at Wonyoung’s hands saying that she might need it again. Wonyoung didn’t argue anymore.</p><p> </p><p>Dying with curiosity about the envelope’s content, Wonyoung opened it and saw two different papers inside it. She first opened the small folded paper. It read:</p><p> </p><p>“<em>I once read that making a thousand paper cranes could make the gods fulfill that person a wish. I wanted to reach that but I couldn’t. If I did, I’d like to wish for me to live longer, just to spend time with you a bit longer too.</em></p><p>
  
</p><p><em>P.S I stopped at 143.</em>”</p><p> </p><p>Wonyoung shook her head at how quirky Yujin is even on her notes. And it explained the papers cranes that she saw on Yujin’s wake. She made them by herself and Wonyoung is astonished by how diligent Yujin is despite having hanahaki. The only thing left to read is the folded scented paper. She took it and began to read.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“If you received this letter, it means two things; I’m gone and enjoying my time now in dog heaven, just like how we used to talk about. I know there were a lot of things that I left unsaid before and I’m sorry for them. I apologize for everything that I kept hidden, some things I lied about, and some things I didn’t say.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>I’ll be honest. The very first time I saw you, my heart fluttered. But I brushed it off saying that it was only because of the jitters I have on the first day of school. But then it kept on beating fast whenever you’re around and before I knew it, I’m already in love with you. Yes Wonyoung, I am truly madly deeply in love with you. But I didn’t do anything about it because I was a coward who decided to just love you in the background and I ended up being a little too late when I was about to confess.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>I want you to know that what happened to me is not your fault. It was never yours in the first place and I don’t regret every single second I spent on loving you in silence. It was my choice to keep it a secret and it was my choice to keep on loving you. I hope you don’t feel guilty about it because knowing you, you’d feel really bad if you knew about my disease and I would have stripped you off of your happiness. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Somehow it didn’t matter to me if I was in pain, it didn’t matter if I was hurt, everything didn’t really matter anymore, what mattered to me most was your happiness. As long as I know that you’re happy and loved, everything is fine. And I hope you’re happy every day for the rest of your life.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Meeting and loving you was the greatest thing that happened to me aside from being born in the same time as you. You’re prettier than the moon and flowers combined and I was lucky to be able to love you even if I only loved you quietly.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>They say that love can transcend all time and that it also transcends everything. I believe in reincarnation and in alternate universes and you know that. Maybe somewhere or sometime in the future, we’ll meet again. Maybe on that time and place, I finally grew a spine and confessed to you. That maybe you’d accept my love and say yes to me. Then we’ll go on dates together, have fun together, and love each other.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>I pray and hope that this love of mine can really transcend time. For as long as the flowers bloom and the sun shines upon the earth, it will always be you.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>I’ll spend every lifetime I get finding you just to be able to love you again and again and again, Wonyoung. And when I do find you, I will love you properly. I promise.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>I love you.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Yours for a hundred lifetime and more,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ahn Yujin”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>While reading the letter, Wonyoung’s tears fell like waterfall, a teardrop after the other. She didn’t know anything. She didn’t know just how oblivious she has been. She felt stupid, like an ignorant idiot who chose to not recognize the things that she saw in front of her eyes.</p><p> </p><p><em>You’re unfair, Yujin-ah.</em> <em>How could you tell me you love now that you’re gone and it’s through a letter? How could you. </em>Wonyoung thought as she let the tears trickle down her face. <em>How would I even know that you love me if you didn’t confess to me?</em></p><p>
  
</p><p>After all this time, she was the cause of her best friend’s pain and the one whom her heart chose to love. She felt ridiculous how she actually felt the same for Yujin but opted to look another way thinking that the older doesn’t feel the same. <em>Why didn’t you tell me sooner, Yujin?</em></p><p> </p><p>Wonyoung blames the odds for this tragedy. Maybe if she wasn’t being a coward back then and actually chose to confess to Yujin, this wouldn’t happen. Maybe if she just looked closely at the hints before instead of not looking at it, maybe Yujin didn’t have to undergo through all that.</p><p> </p><p>Clutching her heart, Wonyoung cried for a love that was never reciprocated, never became hers, a love that she lost.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry.” Wonyoung sobbed. “I loved you too.”</p><p> </p><p>She looked down at the flowers beside Yujin’s tomb.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Maybe flowers aren’t so pretty after all.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>Minju was having a hard time sleeping and it’s already 2AM in the morning and she still has an exam this afternoon for a major. She tossed and turned on her bed while her roommate, Kim Chaewon is sound asleep on the other side of the room.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe it was just her anxiety talking but ever since Wonyoung started her uni days, they weren’t talking as much and it feels like that Wonyoung has been avoiding her.</p><p> </p><p>Even if they were in the same university, it’s proven to be hard to get a hold of the younger girl. When she texts, it’s always cold, and when they’re together Wonyoung’s head seems to be in some other place, far away from her.</p><p> </p><p>Minju doesn’t ask anything because she’s afraid of the truth. What’s keeping her reassured was the label they have. As long as they’re together, she doesn’t mind enduring this.</p><p> </p><p>But she does admit that she misses Wonyoung, every single day.</p><p> </p><p>As if hearing her thoughts, her phone rang and caller id showed that it was Wonyoung.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey.” Minju said as soon as she answered the call. “Why are you still up? Couldn’t sleep?”</p><p> </p><p>What greeted her was a brief silence and the next words of Wonyoung made Minju think that maybe she spoke too soon for her comfort.</p><p> </p><p>“Let’s break up.”</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>that's it for this story. i dont know if it was hurtful enough but i hope it did cause some pain. also, i dont really want to do this but i kinda wanted to see yujin get hurt and i was also technically held at gun point at some point hehez. as much as i had fun writing this story, this is the end of the line for it </p><p>talk to me on twitter or cc about how you felt or some reactions or idk skjdksjdk  @ haneulskii</p></blockquote></div></div>
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